A Fresh Start...AGAIN

Hey guys!

So. I'm single again.

For those of you who are new readers, hi! I often use this blog solely to vent my heartache it seems, but I'm hoping you'll get something out of it.

Maybe.



To pick up where my last post left off, and breaking my promise (sorry, but this is highly therapeutic...), SURPRISE! After months of calling and texting me we got back together....and then broke up again. Will it happen again? I'm not entertaining that thought. Just so we're on the same page,
here is a recap of the last year of my life:

• MAY 2015
• I met a man who was everything I wanted and more. Literally thought he was perfect for me. He was tall, dark, and handsome with an old world perspective.
• Predictably, we dated. Like anyone else, we had our ups and downs.
• We did sleep together after initially meeting - something I don't regret.
• JUNE
• Continued "seeing" each other, though not exclusively. 
• We did go on dates, I met his sister.
• JULY

• He (we'll call him *Alan) and his sister got evicted.
• Due to a sudden financial downturn, he ended up couch surfing for a bit.
• Because of the eviction and some long unsolved issues, Alan and his sister stopped talking to each other.
• His friend let him stay in the living room of his one bedroom downtown apartment. Alan has an air mattress so it wasn't too bad (yes, I slept over a few times on the air mattress).
• Despite all this, we went on our first camping trip together during which resulted in his truck breaking down at the start of the weekend and us being stuck there all weekend until his friend could come pick us and the boat up at the end of the weekend.
• AUGUST
• He crashes his motorcycle.
• I become his emergency contact.
• He is now motorcycle-less and vehicle-less
• SEPTEMBER

• Priority #1 becomes getting a vehicle as school had started for me and I would be waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive him from downtown to work then I would go back home to sleep a bit as I didn't have classes until 11 AM normally.
• He finds a vehicle, spends more for it than he'd like, but ultimately it was his style of vehicle and he loved, it was in good condition.
• OCTOBER
• Thanksgiving and his birthday fall at the same time
• We celebrated both together, I treated him to a night out, all of his friends were there.
• NOVEMBER
• He finds a new place to live that is closer to work for him.
• He is going out of town a lot for work now.
• DECEMBER
  
• My birthday - he's still out of town
• Christmas - he gave me a gift set from lush and a tea set; I got him a Fossil watch (he'd said he didn't have any kind of nice watch to wear).
• My family invites him to Jasper with us for some skiing over the New Year; he says no.
• JANUARY 2016
• The Facebook Breakup
• FEBRUARY-MARCH
• Honestly, a blur. During this time, I was going out every weekend and drinking heavily. I did anything to try and heal myself, and everything I did wasn't the healthiest options for a broken heart.
• He also continued to contact me from the end of February until the end of March when I finally returned his calls and text messages.
• At the end of March, I went to his place to return a part I'd had for his bike since his accident in August. We slept together and it was the best I'd ever had.
• I stayed the night, but the following morning I did try to leave while he was in the bathroom. Emotions took over, and I found myself crying in my car - a favourite place of mine to let out some pent up emotions apparently.
• APRIL
• We officially were back together, he came out with friends of mine and truly made an effort. We both did.
• MAY-AUGUST
• We had an amazing summer together.
• Again, some bumps, but things didn't really take a turn for the worst until August/September.
• He quit his job, something he'd thought about doing for a long time.
• At the end of August, he had a wedding in Ontario to go to. His reasons for not asking me to go with him - he couldn't afford my ticket and he knew I couldn't afford one either as work was slow for me. This caused a bit of a rift on my end.
• SEPTEMBER
  
• He comes back from the wedding and a week and a half at home. I think he very much needed this vacation (from life and me(?)).
• While he was gone, he informs me of some worrying things happening on his downstairs. He assures me he has never physically cheated on me, but nonetheless I get checked out. I'm clean.
• When he comes back he goes to the Dr. and for dignity's sake, we'll say that his bumps were more than just razor burn.
• I offer to pay for groceries and dinner as I had been staying at his place for awhile and he was jobless - I felt the need and responsibility to contribute where I could.
• To fill our time, we went to the animal shelter and had his landlord allowed it, we would have adopted our own little fur baby.
• He gets a new job offer at the end of the month.
• OCTOBER
• Thanksgiving and his birthday. We did a friends-giving at his friends' house on the Saturday and then Thanksgiving at my parents' house the next day. He hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and having my S.O. be a part of my family is a little important to me. Little did I know, this would be the catalyst for our breakup.
• I give him his birthday present at friends-giving along with his card once we got home.
• On Monday morning, he left for work until Friday.
• Friday morning, 11 AM, he comes home. I could tell all week he'd been distant. Something I recognized from before.
• Our day and evening go normally. He went to get his hair cut, I worked on assignments. He came home and kept avoiding me from moving to the couch to the bedroom, I'd go join him so we can catch up and talk about the week and this upcoming weekend, he'd move away to the bathroom, then to the couch where I'd join him and he'd move away again. 
• He goes to make dinner, we watch a movie, everything appears, fine but tense. I see him texting another woman, he barely tries to hide it. He shows me a photo of him five years ago. We finish the movie, he goes to the bedroom, I ask if we could watch Harry Potter, he says we need to talk.
• October 14, 2016 - THE END.
  

Only mildly getting into the sordid details of our second breakup (which basically consisted of much of the same problems he'd had before), here is a condensed-ish list of his reasons why we needed to breakup which he prefaced with a "I hate seeing your stuff in my place, I'm a very independent person and I feel smothered." His reasons go as follows:

1. He just turned 24, having been in the military for five years, he feels he is physically falling apart. In three years he'd like to buy a house and start a family.
2. Because of this, he wants kids before he's 30 so that he is able "to play hockey with his kids" and not kill himself doing so. In a nutshell, he wants to be a strong role model for his kids.
3. He doesn't see us going long term despite my support and many virtuous qualities (paraphrasing).
4. And finally, the true kick in the teeth, he never loved me.
   

All of his reasons are valid and justified. When I asked why he didn't think any of what he wanted would be possible with me, he simply said that he didn't know, only that he didn't see us having a future together.

So his perspective now painted for you, here are my thoughts on the white picket fence dream.

1. Marriage is a sham. A social construct with archaic traditions and beliefs. It is not necessary, not to mention the legalities involved. I would never change my last name for anyone.
2. If you absolutely must have a ceremony, no circuses.
3. Onto kids. This is where I get a little iffy. I had never wanted kids before Alan. He made me want to have a baby or two and that thought is terrifying because it wasn't just a fur baby he wanted, but an actual baby/babies. Full disclosure: we did have a pregnancy scare over the summer - it turned out to be nasty cramps, don't worry. During that time, he had assured me he would be there for me if it turned out I really was pregnant. I was of course relieved to not be, but I think he was a little more disappointed mixed with a little relief.
4. My own feelings about kids aside, I knew after our first few months back together and the magic of being together again wore off, I realized he never loved me. After Canada Day, I knew he began speaking to other women again. Prior to this, two friends of mine had found his Tinder profile. I was going to end things then, but didn't because I was deluded and thought we could still work out. He did later admit to having a Tinder which he used "for shits and gigs" - boy, if you think you're gonna find your baby mama on Tinder, you are more fucked than we both thought. 
5. Because of this, I also learned that we had two different ideas of the meaning of "cheat" (**see definition below).
6. While someday, I would love to settle down (I thought I was ready for that now, but apparently not). This relationship made me realize that I still have a lot I need to accomplish before I settle. I want to have a career and travel. Not that I can't do any of that WITH someone, the right someone, but with kids, that's obviously more of a challenge.

   

   And boy did I burn.

   
   

In my eyes, 24 is not that old. And I never imagined that a two-year age gap would create this much of a rift between us. Alas, he is an old soul, and while I value old-fashioned morals, my plans for the next couple years revolve around travel and a career if I'm lucky. While my actions reflect my age, my values reflect my soul, and I think that's important for me to realize. Of course he had many times where it was a little obvious he wished he could still be in college, especially when he'd go "crush beers with the boys" and we'd listen to songs from 2010.

While he is in his second career, I haven't even started mine. When he's ready to buy a house, I'll probably still be renting. I never wanted to admit it before, but we just are not at the same place in our lives where we can connect with each other on a deeper level. 

I know while we were together, I relied heavily on him to take care of me.  

When we got back together, I held fast to the woman I wanted to be, the woman I wanted to be and intended to become while we were apart. But that didn't happen, I got comfortable with falling back into a routine and I'd known from the start that if we were going to last, we needed to change. At first, we did, but you can't change who you fundamentally are.

I gave 110% of my heart and soul into this relationship, but ultimately, I believe that after the honeymoon phase is over, you have to make a conscious decision to love the person you're with everyday. I believe you choose to fall in love with someone, but lust is out of our control. You can be in lust for a month or a year, but once that passes, you need to choose to love someone. 

And that choice wasn't mine to make. I made my choice, he made his. He chose to not love me. And I have to accept that. He is the great man I know he is, and that might sound like I'm not over him, but I am. I just will never stop loving the man who, for over a year, filled my heart with so many memories and love. Despite all the pain, there was good, and there was a reason why I stayed. I accept him for the man he is, but I think most women's greatest flaw is falling in love with the potential of a man, rather than the man himself.

I did everything I could in this relationship, and I am at peace this time.

We have agreed to try and be friends. I know that losing him completely is not something I can do, as we tried and it didn't work. Even in the beginning, I'd always harboured a hope that if/when we broke up, we'd remain friends. As opposite as we are, we share a lot in common. With him still in my life, as a friend, I believe this will lead a healthier overall relationship with both him and myself. 

I know him as a boyfriend, and to be honest, he sucked at it. Maybe it was just because he didn't love me as said. In April to July, everything was perfect. We went out, we laughed, we loved. But relationships take work and he wasn't willing to put in the effort, and I wasn't willing to pick up the slack. He would go through the motions of being a "good" boyfriend, but nothing concrete came of it because his heart wasn't in it.

However, I've seen him as a friend, and I know he would go above and beyond for all of his friends. He's a better man when he's a friend. And I feel like knowing him as a friend is the best option for us. For me. I would rather have him as a friend rather than not at all, and when it comes to us seeing other people, I know it will hurt, I may get jealous, but I will know that I had him before she did, that I loved him more fiercely than she can imagine.

I do believe we got stuck in a rut. I do think there could have been some changes, but again, I did try, and my actions were a result of what I thought was the right thing at the time. We never talked. Not really. Not about real things or things that mattered.

As a person, my nature is to curl in a ball in the corner and not move and I would be satisfied with that. I don't tend to go out unless I have to and because of that, I rely on other people to get me motivated, when I need to rely on myself more. I need to trust that I can make myself okay for me and that I will make my life good for me. I thought he was the person to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, but I need to provide that motivation for myself.

I am insecure.

I crave the love and affection of others. I love being held at night and I love cuddling together on the couch just being. I love being teased and having my ass slapped (by my S.O. of course).

I know I can't be all of that, but, I can be most of that for me. And taking care of me isn't something I've done for over two years now. 

For the remainder of my education, I'm going to put my focus on myself and be selfish. I have spent the last three or four years giving everything I had to guys who didn't deserve it and that's my fault. This year and next, I will take care of myself. My birthday present to myself this year will also be a getaway to the mountains. I need to escape and get out of this town. I need to feel free again. Originally, I had wanted to go away with him, but obviously we won't be doing that. I do need to disconnect and recharge and find myself, love myself, and stay away from pelvic sorcery for the rest of my degree. And probably afterwards too.

I would love nothing more than to settle into a comfortable and loving relationship, but that's not in my cards, clearly. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, having been consumed by a loveless relationship. I didn't even realize that I was the only one holding up the heavy walls of our relationship. I still cry. I cried while recapping our relationship, I woke up at 7 AM feeling numb, I cried before and after breakfast and I haven't moved from this spot on the couch all day.

But I can't live the rest of my life looking back on past memories. I can't drive down the roads and listen to the radio and turn on Netflix and talk to people without instinctively thinking about us. But I can't move on when I'm still consumed by the past. Keeping busy is going to be best thing for me right now. I'm going to spend my time in the gym and with friends and hopefully at work. 

I am going to focus on creating new memories. I want to be able to go about my life without crying at the drop of a hat. I will never be able to listen to some songs without thinking about us and the laughter and goofiness we would have. Because that's the thing about songs. They create and hold within them memories. Memories which will be a part of my life forever. But in the grand scheme of things, and in my story, this chapter of my life is over.

I have learned, this time, that I am capable of a great love. As much as I would love to jump ten years into the future, just to see and know that my life really does turn out to be okay, I know that keeping hope and optimism in everything I do is vital.  The best I can do for me right now is turn all the love that I gave him over this crazy journey, and give it all back to myself. Because right now, no one deserves it more than I do.

I do.

Love and light,

A. Bean.
Tweet to @aly_bean
* Name has been changed, not that it matters because if you watch the video, I said it there - oops

**To cheat (according to A. Bean): to emotionally or physically be unfaithful to one's partner. (i.e. (a) flirting with others via social media and/or text message; this flirtation alludes to a potential "date" or meet up. (b) the exchanging of nudes by either party. (c) the traditional meaning of the word "cheat".)

PS- Thank you to R.H. Sin for providing me with words that encompass my feelings better than I ever could.

PPS- This is a vlog/video I filmed when I first began seeing him. I knew this was something I had to share the minute I saw how happy I was to have met him and be with him. This video represents my naive hopes and dreams of our future as well as an innocence I will never regain.