Fashion, beauty, advice, tips, and rants, I hope to do my best at giving you guys the best information I can. Any products I review are my own opinions and purchased with my own money, I'm not popular enough to get free stuff I guess.
I'm a 19 year old second year student majoring in Communications Studies at Carleton University. I love writing and beauty, so this blog is going to be a culmination of all the things I am most passionate about. Thank you so much for checking out my blog!
As part of my Bean v. 5.0 improvement plan, thing, whatever, the gym is becoming an integral part of my daily routine. I daresay that what once used to be an intimidating place has now become a place of refuge. It's not often I get to just have time to myself, to worry about myself, and to blast my music (which now consists of an absurd amount of country songs that are motivating, heartbreaking, and twinge-worthy*). In the gym, I don't have to worry about anything beyond what I'm doing in that moment. If I'm running, by god I will run; if I'm lifting, by god will I give it my all.
Honestly, this was a long time coming. I feel like nothing teaches you perseverance (for the average folk like myself) better than the gym. I might not have had much adversity in my life, and because of that I feel like I easily just give in and give up too easily. At the gym, that's not allowed. If that treadmill says run for 30 minutes or 60 minutes, girl, knees to chest! I love it.
Now that my time and thoughts are less consumed (key word: LESS) by Alan, I have a lot more motivation to do what I want. Before, even though he was gone a lot, I didn't particularly want to linger around campus, let alone go to the gym. Why? Because why would I want to hang around a crowded school campus where my anxiety is always there in the back of my mind like some kind of brain static? Especially when I knew that I could go back to his place - a place that had become my own little safe haven, away from parents, family, and peers - and just hide. Like I mentioned before, if I didn't have to go anywhere, for the rest of the day, I would just go back to what I considered my second home. And that was wrenched from me before I could say "Harry Potter".
As a result, I need to find other ways to keep me away from my parents' house because I don't have a home. That quote where they're like, "Home is where the heart is" like no, girl. Home is where you can be wholly yourself. Where your mind isn't going 100km/h and where every little thing doesn't make you jump; where you can vegetate in peace and where you can double chin all you want and walk around with no pants or even no clothes on at all. Home is where you are comfortable, and right now, I'm most comfortable in my car. So I guess that's my home.
Being jobless right now sucks. I might have to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to a job I'd walked out on two years ago now because even though the drama sucked, the pay was good and so were the hours (albeit long, at least I had hours). And I was good at what I did while I was there. And I burned that bridge for Alan. Because it was that weekend when we went on the Best-Worst camping trip of my life and I will never regret that. I do regret just not showing up for my last two shifts, but I feel like I got along with everyone still there well enough that if I prove to them I am a hard worker and that I will never put a man before my job, it should work out? But this is a last resort plan. For now, today is dedicated to handing out resumes in person and going from there.
I'll continue on with these daily diary type of posts, mostly for my benefit, I think they're really good for my own personal growth and healing, and I'd like to look back on this time in my life one day and smile because it will be moments like this that I'll be able to say that I didn't get burned by the fire, but became the flame.
Love and Light,
A. Bean
*twinge-worthy: similar to cringe worthy but less cringe more twinge. Like a slight pang in your heart or a poke at your ribs.
PS - Joe Brock on Instagram is wonderful, and unfortunately his posts are quite lengthy and wouldn't mesh well with the little quotes I like to spread out on this blog, but if you have a moment, please check him out! His words are everything my heart feels and more.
PPS - In addition to quotes, I'll also be doing songs because those help my heart a lot too. Right now, they are mostly country because a) Alan loved Chris Stapleton; b) I actually find him to be one of the best country artists personally - even though Alan was the one to introduce me to him and his awesomeness; c) honestly safe to assume that 99% of the country music featured on this blog is thanks to Alan.
I'm sitting here in class while I write this - very productive, I know. I've got a peppermint tea - it's supposed to be calming - and a double chocolate chip muffin - from the useless groceries I'd bought last Thursday. This morning sucked. All of my most worn/liked clothes are still bundled up in my blanket on my car. I walked out the house at 6:45 AM in nothing but *Alan's flannel shirt and my sneakers. I had to put my pants on in my freezing car - my leggings being even more frozen than the snow on the lawn - and my winter footwear now resides in a box in the shed. Because I was supposed to be staying with Alan. Last night was the first night I've spent at home in two months. Maybe more. Two and a half? Christ.
Some days will better than others. It's weird to be talking with him again so soon. And this time it's me reaching out rather than vice versa. We talked about our relationship and our many faults (he has baggage; I put others before myself). We talked about work and school and life and movies....I think it's fucked up, but I think he likes us, and wants me, more when we aren't "dating" per se. I don't know what's happening, or how this affects him, but me? I know I'm so messed up for even considering another sexcapade with him.
I wear his ring around my neck like some kind of sick trophy.
I don't know what I intend to do with it in the future - it fits none of my fingers. But it's meaning...what it symbolizes is why I took it. It's like a physical relationship status ring. Wear one way, it means single; wear it another, it means in a relationship; wear it a different way, it means engaged; and another way it means married. And when we were together - while he'd stopped wearing for a few months - every time he wore it, he wore it in the "single" position.
I knew what it meant. That he knew that I knew what it represented. After all, it was he that had explained it's meanings. Meanings which have stuck with me every time I looked at that damn ring. To add insult to injury, he'd wear the ring along with the watch I'd bought him for Christmas. A watch that I took, but will give back. I took the watch, ring, and scotch out of pettiness, but while all of those things are useless to me, I'm keeping the ring. The watch and scotch I'll return. I can't bring myself to sell the watch to anyone else. It doesn't belong with anyone else. Whatever he chooses to do with it after is up to him - he did keep it after the first breakup, although he also acquired the ring at the same time.
We spoke the other night - he's back on my social media, and while all I want to do is tag him in cute puppy videos, I remain unsure of where this "friendship" draws the line. I've never been friends with an ex. Certainly not one I'm in love with because I've never loved anyone like I love him. Not that I have a vast amount of relationship experience, but it wouldn't be my first "first time" doing something with him.
At any rate, we are planning on hanging this weekend. Follow me on Twitter to keep up to date on when I will have my post up regarding the weekend shenanigans that will undoubtedly ensue. Follow @aly_bean
Lucky for this blog, every time my life goes into crisis mode this thing gets a whole flood of content! (Barring the last crisis earlier this year since I was being flooded by liquor and poor judgment).
This post is going to be significantly shorter than the last, and it's going to consist of things that I will be doing to take of myself.
SPEND ONE WHOLE YEAR SOBER - I don't mean this in an "I'm an alcoholic" type of way, although that is arguable. I mean this in a "I will not get shittered because of a broken heart" type of way. It really does nothing except make things worse on my heart and body. And I don't know if my liver can physically handle another three month bender. Am I never gonna touch a drink for a whole year? I mean, that's the goal, but I won't deny myself a bottle of wine to unwind and de-stress.
GET AWAY - Like I mentioned in my last post, I am going to be booking myself a birthday getaway in the mountains where I can disconnect and recharge - if I could do it sooner I would, but alas, my birthday seems the best time for me to disappear as I hate celebrating it and I would rather not remember that I will be turning 22.
EMBRACE THE SINGLE LIFE - Having rewatched a bunch of my old videos, I can confidently say that I have not truly been single in 3 years. I have loved someone else for 3 years and have neglected myself. Like I said, I am insecure and I'm hoping in embracing singledom I can find my confidence again.
LOVE MYSELF - I'm being dragged to the gym and I couldn't be more relieved. I need to keep myself busy and if I can get my body back (dating Alan for the last year and a half was not good for my waistline) all the better.
If you have any other suggestions on how to take care of yourself and tips on how to be single please tweet me @aly_bean or leave it in the comments! I will also be updating my YouTube channel more, so keep an eye out for that! (YT: Alycia Benson)
For those of you who are new readers, hi! I often use this blog solely to vent my heartache it seems, but I'm hoping you'll get something out of it.
Maybe.
To pick up where my last post left off, and breaking my promise (sorry, but this is highly therapeutic...), SURPRISE! After months of calling and texting me we got back together....and then broke up again. Will it happen again? I'm not entertaining that thought. Just so we're on the same page,
here is a recap of the last year of my life:
MAY 2015
I met a man who was everything I wanted and more. Literally thought he was perfect for me. He was tall, dark, and handsome with an old world perspective.
Predictably, we dated. Like anyone else, we had our ups and downs.
We did sleep together after initially meeting - something I don't regret.
JUNE
Continued "seeing" each other, though not exclusively.
We did go on dates, I met his sister.
JULY
He (we'll call him *Alan) and his sister got evicted.
Due to a sudden financial downturn, he ended up couch surfing for a bit.
Because of the eviction and some long unsolved issues, Alan and his sister stopped talking to each other.
His friend let him stay in the living room of his one bedroom downtown apartment. Alan has an air mattress so it wasn't too bad (yes, I slept over a few times on the air mattress).
Despite all this, we went on our first camping trip together during which resulted in his truck breaking down at the start of the weekend and us being stuck there all weekend until his friend could come pick us and the boat up at the end of the weekend.
AUGUST
He crashes his motorcycle.
I become his emergency contact.
He is now motorcycle-less and vehicle-less
SEPTEMBER
Priority #1 becomes getting a vehicle as school had started for me and I would be waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive him from downtown to work then I would go back home to sleep a bit as I didn't have classes until 11 AM normally.
He finds a vehicle, spends more for it than he'd like, but ultimately it was his style of vehicle and he loved, it was in good condition.
OCTOBER
Thanksgiving and his birthday fall at the same time
We celebrated both together, I treated him to a night out, all of his friends were there.
NOVEMBER
He finds a new place to live that is closer to work for him.
He is going out of town a lot for work now.
DECEMBER
My birthday - he's still out of town
Christmas - he gave me a gift set from lush and a tea set; I got him a Fossil watch (he'd said he didn't have any kind of nice watch to wear).
My family invites him to Jasper with us for some skiing over the New Year; he says no.
JANUARY 2016
The Facebook Breakup
FEBRUARY-MARCH
Honestly, a blur. During this time, I was going out every weekend and drinking heavily. I did anything to try and heal myself, and everything I did wasn't the healthiest options for a broken heart.
He also continued to contact me from the end of February until the end of March when I finally returned his calls and text messages.
At the end of March, I went to his place to return a part I'd had for his bike since his accident in August. We slept together and it was the best I'd ever had.
I stayed the night, but the following morning I did try to leave while he was in the bathroom. Emotions took over, and I found myself crying in my car - a favourite place of mine to let out some pent up emotions apparently.
APRIL
We officially were back together, he came out with friends of mine and truly made an effort. We both did.
MAY-AUGUST
We had an amazing summer together.
Again, some bumps, but things didn't really take a turn for the worst until August/September.
He quit his job, something he'd thought about doing for a long time.
At the end of August, he had a wedding in Ontario to go to. His reasons for not asking me to go with him - he couldn't afford my ticket and he knew I couldn't afford one either as work was slow for me. This caused a bit of a rift on my end.
SEPTEMBER
He comes back from the wedding and a week and a half at home. I think he very much needed this vacation (from life and me(?)).
While he was gone, he informs me of some worrying things happening on his downstairs. He assures me he has never physically cheated on me, but nonetheless I get checked out. I'm clean.
When he comes back he goes to the Dr. and for dignity's sake, we'll say that his bumps were more than just razor burn.
I offer to pay for groceries and dinner as I had been staying at his place for awhile and he was jobless - I felt the need and responsibility to contribute where I could.
To fill our time, we went to the animal shelter and had his landlord allowed it, we would have adopted our own little fur baby.
He gets a new job offer at the end of the month.
OCTOBER
Thanksgiving and his birthday. We did a friends-giving at his friends' house on the Saturday and then Thanksgiving at my parents' house the next day. He hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and having my S.O. be a part of my family is a little important to me. Little did I know, this would be the catalyst for our breakup.
I give him his birthday present at friends-giving along with his card once we got home.
On Monday morning, he left for work until Friday.
Friday morning, 11 AM, he comes home. I could tell all week he'd been distant. Something I recognized from before.
Our day and evening go normally. He went to get his hair cut, I worked on assignments. He came home and kept avoiding me from moving to the couch to the bedroom, I'd go join him so we can catch up and talk about the week and this upcoming weekend, he'd move away to the bathroom, then to the couch where I'd join him and he'd move away again.
He goes to make dinner, we watch a movie, everything appears, fine but tense. I see him texting another woman, he barely tries to hide it. He shows me a photo of him five years ago. We finish the movie, he goes to the bedroom, I ask if we could watch Harry Potter, he says we need to talk.
October 14, 2016 - THE END.
Only mildly getting into the sordid details of our second breakup (which basically consisted of much of the same problems he'd had before), here is a condensed-ish list of his reasons why we needed to breakup which he prefaced with a "I hate seeing your stuff in my place, I'm a very independent person and I feel smothered." His reasons go as follows:
He just turned 24, having been in the military for five years, he feels he is physically falling apart. In three years he'd like to buy a house and start a family.
Because of this, he wants kids before he's 30 so that he is able "to play hockey with his kids" and not kill himself doing so. In a nutshell, he wants to be a strong role model for his kids.
He doesn't see us going long term despite my support and many virtuous qualities (paraphrasing).
And finally, the true kick in the teeth, he never loved me.
All of his reasons are valid and justified. When I asked why he didn't think any of what he wanted would be possible with me, he simply said that he didn't know, only that he didn't see us having a future together.
So his perspective now painted for you, here are my thoughts on the white picket fence dream.
Marriage is a sham. A social construct with archaic traditions and beliefs. It is not necessary, not to mention the legalities involved. I would never change my last name for anyone.
If you absolutely must have a ceremony, no circuses.
Onto kids. This is where I get a little iffy. I had never wanted kids before Alan. He made me want to have a baby or two and that thought is terrifying because it wasn't just a fur baby he wanted, but an actual baby/babies. Full disclosure: we did have a pregnancy scare over the summer - it turned out to be nasty cramps, don't worry. During that time, he had assured me he would be there for me if it turned out I really was pregnant. I was of course relieved to not be, but I think he was a little more disappointed mixed with a little relief.
My own feelings about kids aside, I knew after our first few months back together and the magic of being together again wore off, I realized he never loved me. After Canada Day, I knew he began speaking to other women again. Prior to this, two friends of mine had found his Tinder profile. I was going to end things then, but didn't because I was deluded and thought we could still work out. He did later admit to having a Tinder which he used "for shits and gigs" - boy, if you think you're gonna find your baby mama on Tinder, you are more fucked than we both thought.
Because of this, I also learned that we had two different ideas of the meaning of "cheat" (**see definition below).
While someday, I would love to settle down (I thought I was ready for that now, but apparently not). This relationship made me realize that I still have a lot I need to accomplish before I settle. I want to have a career and travel. Not that I can't do any of that WITH someone, the right someone, but with kids, that's obviously more of a challenge.
And boy did I burn.
In my eyes, 24 is not that old. And I never imagined that a two-year age gap would create this much of a rift between us. Alas, he is an old soul, and while I value old-fashioned morals, my plans for the next couple years revolve around travel and a career if I'm lucky. While my actions reflect my age, my values reflect my soul, and I think that's important for me to realize. Of course he had many times where it was a little obvious he wished he could still be in college, especially when he'd go "crush beers with the boys" and we'd listen to songs from 2010.
While he is in his second career, I haven't even started mine. When he's ready to buy a house, I'll probably still be renting. I never wanted to admit it before, but we just are not at the same place in our lives where we can connect with each other on a deeper level.
I know while we were together, I relied heavily on him to take care of me.
When we got back together, I held fast to the woman I wanted to be, the woman I wanted to be and intended to become while we were apart. But that didn't happen, I got comfortable with falling back into a routine and I'd known from the start that if we were going to last, we needed to change. At first, we did, but you can't change who you fundamentally are.
I gave 110% of my heart and soul into this relationship, but ultimately, I believe that after the honeymoon phase is over, you have to make a conscious decision to love the person you're with everyday. I believe you choose to fall in love with someone, but lust is out of our control. You can be in lust for a month or a year, but once that passes, you need to choose to love someone.
And that choice wasn't mine to make. I made my choice, he made his. He chose to not love me. And I have to accept that. He is the great man I know he is, and that might sound like I'm not over him, but I am. I just will never stop loving the man who, for over a year, filled my heart with so many memories and love. Despite all the pain, there was good, and there was a reason why I stayed. I accept him for the man he is, but I think most women's greatest flaw is falling in love with the potential of a man, rather than the man himself.
I did everything I could in this relationship, and I am at peace this time.
We have agreed to try and be friends. I know that losing him completely is not something I can do, as we tried and it didn't work. Even in the beginning, I'd always harboured a hope that if/when we broke up, we'd remain friends. As opposite as we are, we share a lot in common. With him still in my life, as a friend, I believe this will lead a healthier overall relationship with both him and myself.
I know him as a boyfriend, and to be honest, he sucked at it. Maybe it was just because he didn't love me as said. In April to July, everything was perfect. We went out, we laughed, we loved. But relationships take work and he wasn't willing to put in the effort, and I wasn't willing to pick up the slack. He would go through the motions of being a "good" boyfriend, but nothing concrete came of it because his heart wasn't in it.
However, I've seen him as a friend, and I know he would go above and beyond for all of his friends. He's a better man when he's a friend. And I feel like knowing him as a friend is the best option for us. For me. I would rather have him as a friend rather than not at all, and when it comes to us seeing other people, I know it will hurt, I may get jealous, but I will know that I had him before she did, that I loved him more fiercely than she can imagine.
I do believe we got stuck in a rut. I do think there could have been some changes, but again, I did try, and my actions were a result of what I thought was the right thing at the time. We never talked. Not really. Not about real things or things that mattered.
As a person, my nature is to curl in a ball in the corner and not move and I would be satisfied with that. I don't tend to go out unless I have to and because of that, I rely on other people to get me motivated, when I need to rely on myself more. I need to trust that I can make myself okay for me and that I will make my life good for me. I thought he was the person to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, but I need to provide that motivation for myself.
I am insecure.
I crave the love and affection of others. I love being held at night and I love cuddling together on the couch just being. I love being teased and having my ass slapped (by my S.O. of course).
I know I can't be all of that, but, I can be most of that for me. And taking care of me isn't something I've done for over two years now.
For the remainder of my education, I'm going to put my focus on myself and be selfish. I have spent the last three or four years giving everything I had to guys who didn't deserve it and that's my fault. This year and next, I will take care of myself. My birthday present to myself this year will also be a getaway to the mountains. I need to escape and get out of this town. I need to feel free again. Originally, I had wanted to go away with him, but obviously we won't be doing that. I do need to disconnect and recharge and find myself, love myself, and stay away from pelvic sorcery for the rest of my degree. And probably afterwards too.
I would love nothing more than to settle into a comfortable and loving relationship, but that's not in my cards, clearly. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, having been consumed by a loveless relationship. I didn't even realize that I was the only one holding up the heavy walls of our relationship. I still cry. I cried while recapping our relationship, I woke up at 7 AM feeling numb, I cried before and after breakfast and I haven't moved from this spot on the couch all day.
But I can't live the rest of my life looking back on past memories. I can't drive down the roads and listen to the radio and turn on Netflix and talk to people without instinctively thinking about us. But I can't move on when I'm still consumed by the past. Keeping busy is going to be best thing for me right now. I'm going to spend my time in the gym and with friends and hopefully at work.
I am going to focus on creating new memories. I want to be able to go about my life without crying at the drop of a hat. I will never be able to listen to some songs without thinking about us and the laughter and goofiness we would have. Because that's the thing about songs. They create and hold within them memories. Memories which will be a part of my life forever. But in the grand scheme of things, and in my story, this chapter of my life is over.
I have learned, this time, that I am capable of a great love. As much as I would love to jump ten years into the future, just to see and know that my life really does turn out to be okay, I know that keeping hope and optimism in everything I do is vital. The best I can do for me right now is turn all the love that I gave him over this crazy journey, and give it all back to myself. Because right now, no one deserves it more than I do.
I do.
Love and light,
A. Bean. Tweet to @aly_bean
* Name has been changed, not that it matters because if you watch the video, I said it there - oops
**To cheat (according to A. Bean): to emotionally or physically be unfaithful to one's partner. (i.e. (a) flirting with others via social media and/or text message; this flirtation alludes to a potential "date" or meet up. (b) the exchanging of nudes by either party. (c) the traditional meaning of the word "cheat".)
PS- Thank you to R.H. Sin for providing me with words that encompass my feelings better than I ever could.
PPS- This is a vlog/video I filmed when I first began seeing him. I knew this was something I had to share the minute I saw how happy I was to have met him and be with him. This video represents my naive hopes and dreams of our future as well as an innocence I will never regain.
If you couldn't guess by the title of this post, it won't be as lighthearted and cheerful as my other ones. Following the New Year, my boyfriend and I parted ways. Having read my last "Life Update" post, I feel foolish now, but I won't delete it. Those memories will be memories that I will hold dear to my heart for a long time despite parting on less than amicable ways with my ex. I won't go into details, just know that it didn't end as well as I thought it would if we ever were to breakup. Also I always thought we would breakup face-to-face, but thankfully, Facebook is available to the cowards of the world (#stillnotbitteroranything).
Preach, girl, preach!
Life, however, does have a funny way of introducing other things to occupy your mind. The passing of David Bowie and Alan Rickman in addition to some school drama all served one purpose: distraction. Not to say that I didn't grieve the loss of my supposedly perfectly imperfect relationship. I definitely did. For four days I wailed - not even cried, wailed - my heart out, my parents can attest to this, I'm pretty sure I scared them a little. And in the days following my initial grief, I'm still overcome by sadness, but I'm moving along.
Well, Carrie, it gets sucked up into a black hole called grief, and then
if you're lucky, it fades from an all consuming fire into a
small little ember. In other words, it never goes away completely.
I've gotten really into the whole "self-improvement" kick. It's a slow process, but at least I'm not as depressed. This week I've really made an effort to wear makeup again. I didn't wear a speck of it for a week, and I caught my reflection in the mirror while on a pity shopping spree with my friend at
Sephora. I'm glad I caught that reflection of myself - though I wasn't at the time. With my messy bun, bare face, and decidedly perma-sad expression, it really kicked me back into gear. I cry less and less everyday, and I've reconnected with my friends, whom I shamefully neglected during my relationship.
It really taught me that no matter how perfect something or someone may seem, no amount of love or attention you give them will ever be enough if they don't love themselves. Or if they loved themselves too much.
Amen, Elle.
So to that conclusion, then, I've decided to take a step back, reevaluate, finish school, and focus on bettering myself. Admittedly, I did jump into my last relationship fast, and didn't really make myself or him wait or work for anything. Mainly because I was on an "I'm an empowered, modern 21st century woman, dammit, I can sleep with whoever" power trip. Which ended up being my biggest failure in the relationship and doesn't really set the right tone for the rest of our time together. Give me a tall, dark haired, tattooed, broad shouldered guy, and I'm pretty much weak at the knees and reduced to a giggling school girl.
So, maybe 2016 didn't really start out the way I wanted it to, and maybe I no longer have a date to go see Deadpool, or Batman vs. Superman, or Aquaman, or anyone, really, to occupy my time with and spend the cold winter nights with, but I have me, and for the last 21 years, that has always been enough.
I am enough.
Love and Light,
A. Bean
PS - You're all enough.
PPS - Shoutout to my friends and family who dealt with my broken hearted sad self for the past two weeks and counting. You're the real MVP.
Obviously the latter doesn't last for long as the semester/year progresses so by the time winter finals roll around and the year is over, every student looks like a hoard of stumbling zombies. #universitycommunity
My morning routine on the first day consisted of waking up at 4 AM to drive my boyfriend to work (it was as hellish as it sounds, luckily today is my last day of that nonsense), then driving back home (it was just after 6 AM by the time I got home) to sleep until about 7:30 AM before I was woken by my mom because I'd told her the wrong time for school that day. I thought class was at 9:30, not 11 - due to lack of sleep my days were a little messed up... no matter, I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep for a second time so I spent the morning scrolling through the social medias until I had to get ready.
The first class passed by seamlessly, I even (out of necessity) made a friend because of a group project we are forced to do, but no matter, a friend was made and that's all that counts! We even went to lunch together. I braved the LRT for the first time ever - and hated every second of it - avoided the evil parking cops and made it through the rest of my day without a hitch.
After that, I went to hang out with the boyfriend (we need to have another serious talk and I'm dreading every minute of bringing up the subject but more on that on a later date), spent the night with him since I had to drive him to work the next morning and did not want to wake up at 4 AM for the third time in a row. Staying the night allowed me to have a good night's sleep and have an extra hour of it! Yay!
Primer: Pür Minerals Hydrating Primer (not my favourite but I'm out of my benefit Porefessional and too broke to buy another)
Foundation: Bourjois Healthy Mix (53) with L'Oreal TruMatch Lumi (N3)
Bronzer: Tarte Amazonian Clay Bronzer (Park Ave Princess)
Blush: Benefit Rockateur
Highlight: MAC Soft and Gentle
Brows: Urban Decay Naked Basics (Crave and Faint)
Mascara: Too Faced Better than Sex Mascara
Eyelids: Maybelline 24HR Color Tattoo (Barely Branded) - this went all over the lid; LORAC Pro Palette (Taupe) - this went in the crease and lower lashline
Eyeliner: Rimmel Scandaleyes Waterproof Eyeliner (black) - Tightline and Waterline
Note: I neglected to do any winged liner like I usually do with my makeup in favour of a "fresh faced" look. It came out alright, but I find I feel very naked and self-conscious without my wings to hide behind.
Top: Basic White T-shirt (H&M), Red Plaid shirt - left unbuttoned because you're cool (Kohl's)
Bottoms: Basic Black Leggings (H&M)
Jacket: Black leather jacket with gold detailing (Suzy Shier)
Shoes: Brown riding boots (No idea I got them last year while in the States)
Note: Literally every other girl was wearing the EXACT SAME THING just with a different colour plaid.
Today, we'll being styling the crop top in a way that will make the most tummy conscious girl feel confident with her fashion choices.
With spring approaching (finally!) it's time to ditch the poofy winter coats, fleece lined leggings, and chunky oversized knit sweaters. Last year, I feel like crop tops were just starting to emerge as a trend and have continued as the 90s make their way back into 2014. I wasn't quick to jump on the crop top bandwagon. Like most trends, I prefer to wait a while to see how long they'll stick around before investing in some cheap versions to try out for myself. I'm a firm believer in investing in the basics, like a good pair of skinnies or a cozy sweater/cardigan. However, it's great to stay on point with your fashion choices and even though bell bottoms have slowly started to gain way in hipster stores like Urban Outfitters, I'm hoping those will quickly die back into the 70s where they belong.
So, without further ado, here are 3 easy tricks and tips on how to wear crop tops for the midrift conscious.
1. High Waisted
"You in your high waisted shorts, oh…." -Sweater Weather, The Neighbors. (I couldn't help myself.)
First, if you're uncomfortable showing off your tummy, be rest assured another trend which is emerging from the 90s is high waisted anything. Not to be confused with mom jeans, high waisted jeans can look cute and flirty when paired with a crop top of your choice. Because cropped sweaters became a thing, which had me firmly against crop tops at the start (I live in Canada, cropped sweaters shouldn't even be a thing up here!) I highly recommend investing in a comfy pair of high waisted jeans. American Eagle is a great place to go if you're unsure where to find them. I own a pair from there and they are honestly the most comfy things ever - and I hate wearing pants, so it's kind of a big deal.
Also, high waisted shorts are a great way to wear crop tops during the summer months. Or spring months if you are fortunate enough to live somewhere where spring means warm, not awkward winter.
Skirts are also a popular way to wear crop tops - especially if you're going for a girly, flirty look.
2. Overalls
Photo cred to http://blog.mariofashion.com/
Yet another trend from the 90s I'm sure we can all remember fondly. Overalls emerged around the same time as the crop tops began to pick up speed, I noticed them being most apparent in 2013 and it's only picked up speed since then. I guess nostalgic 90s kids couldn't help but reinvesting in their childhood staples. Personally, I hated overalls growing up and have yet to purchase a pair for myself, but I do think they are adorable when styled with a crop top. It says "grown up" rather than "toddler". Add a pair of cute heels or wedges and it's definitely a midriff comfy way to wear a crop top and still show a little something. Keeping it classy one crop top at a time!
Forever 21 has some decently priced overalls for anyone brave enough to try this trend. I saw a girl on campus the other day sporting a pair of distressed boyfriend overalls over a black crop top under an oversized camel coloured wool coat with a messy bun, red lips, and nerdy glasses. Needless to say, I loved her look and wanted to compliment her on it, but she was walking pretty fast and I was late for class, so it didn't happen.
Cardigans are a great way to get some coverage while still keep the crop top effect. This can also be added to any of the above mentioned ways for a cozy look or, you know, just because cardigans are awesome. In the winter, we wear thick cozy knit cardigans, and in the summer, open knit, crochet and lacy cardigans come out to play. I also really love the relaxed, effortless boho look. Cardigans go with almost everything, so there is not way you can possibly style it wrong - especially with crop tops.
And there you have it! Three easy ways to wear a crop top without needing a six pack (cause who has the time and effort for that). Hopefully this gave you all some ideas on your spring/summer outfits this season, and if not, well, I tried.
Thanks so much for reading and I'll see you in my next post!
Recently, as in just yesterday, I got a package from Nasty Gal! I ordered this adorable watermlon shaped clutch that I fell in love with at first sight! I couldn't get it out of my head, and so one thing led to another and yeah...
I digress, this is not confessions of a shopaholic.
Today's post is dedicated to a review of my experience with Nasty Gal since I've never ordered from there before, go over shipping, delivery, etc. After all the technicalities are through, I'll jump right into how I styled the adorable clutch! This is just one way this item can be styled and I will definitely include other outfits and inspirations for you guys to check out!
"Nasty Gals Do It Better"
I don't know what they do, but I guess it's better.
As a general rule, I rarely order/purchase anything over 20$ simply because I know once I go over the 20$ mark, I be doing that 80s shopping cart move and tossing things in that I either don't need or think look good on the model and not necessarily me.... Hello, my name is A. Bean and I am a victim of buyer's remorse.
All that to say, when I did close my eyes and hit the "Submit" button to order the clutch I was filled with both anticipation and horror.
"Did I really just spend 40$ on a watermelon purse?"
"When am I going to use it?"
"Where?"
"How?"
"What?"
Shortly after my tirade of insecurity over my decision, I was then consumed by an overwhelming sense of excitement.
"When is my purse going to arrive?"
"Has it shipped yet?"
"I can't wait to show it off!"
"I'll wear it with so many things!"
In fact, I was so excited, I couldn't stop talking about it for two days. Straight. All day e'er day. My friend probably wanted me to get my clutch just as soon as I did just to stop me from raving over the "Adorable Clutch".
Nasty Gal is a reliable site as far as purchasing things go. I've seen a few YouTubers talk about Nasty Gal, and I'm not sure if it's an actual store in the States or if it's purely online, but I can tell you guys that within a day or two of my purchasing the Adorable Clutch, I received shipping info and immediately received confirmation of my purchase which does wonders on the deeply ingrained fear that I just spent 40$+shipping only to never receive word of the fate of my Adorable Clutch. Or whatever it was that I happened to convince myself I needed.
Like with most tracking numbers, it takes around 24 hrs for it to work and after that it's only a matter of obsessively checking the location of your package. Too bad boyfriends couldn't come with tracking numbers, hey?
I kid, I kid! But for reals. I'm sure I'm not the only one to say it.
All in all, shipping took about a week and half which is pretty fast considering it shipped from the States. I'm very happy with the overall shipping and timeliness of my order. Contrary wise, I placed an order through HauteLook because they were having a sales event featuring The Balm cosmetics. For those of you not in Canada, the Balm doesn't actually ship to Canada. In addition, the HauteLook sale had their cosmetics at as much as 50% off! Can we say steal?
However, my initial excitement wore off when I started reading some reviews on HauteLook and their shipping and customer service. I haven't received a confirmation of shipment of any kind, although I did receive a confirmation of order, and it's been about a week. Also, some of the reviews I read stated that HauteLook doesn't stay true to the estimated time of arrival they give you on the confirmation email, saying that it can go up to 2 months before they received their order. With reason, I'm worried, but I'm supposed to receive my order on the 27th of March. I will definitely give you guys an update on that situation and with any luck, a full review on all the makeup things I ordered from The Balm through HauteLook!
Now onto the fun part...
My OOTD was actually something I was wearing earlier that day.
Disclaimer: Dad, no one was present during the taking of these photos, all photos of me are taken by me due to a crippling awkward and giggling syndrome which grips me inexplicably if I try to take a serious photograph with anyone present. All photography is credited to the Timer Cam iPhone app.
The leggings are from Winners. They are kind of high waisted but tend to slip down from their high waisted-ness to an awkward mid rise but not quite. However they are super thick and have seams down the center so I feel okay wearing these as pants.
My top is also from Winners. I got it on sale over the summer for, wait for it, 3$! That's right. My cute little cream coloured lace peplum top was three dollars. With tax. It did come with a slip tank top thing to go underneath but I lost it or something, so in place of that, I just wore my own cream coloured cami from Old Navy. It's super comfy and if I could wear that cami everyday I would. It is quite long, so I ended up just tucking it into the leggings and smoothing any gatherings so the leggings didn't bulge awkwardly.
And of course, the highlight of the look, my Adorable Clutch. Like I said, it's from Nasty Gal, the link to this particular bag will be included if you're interested in purchasing this super cute accessory too! #TwinningWithBean? Nasty Gal is pretty pricey but this clutch was pretty cheap compared to most of their other merchandise! Side note, Nasty Gal posted a photo of the clutch on Twitter (the one pictured at the beginning of this post) and it has a strap. Just want to let you guys know, it doesn't come with a strap or places where you can clip on a strap, just as a heads up. It's a clutch, not a dual purpose crossbody bag.
My hair I styled down although I would have loved nothing more than to throw it up in a top knot and call it a day because it really wasn't cooperating that day. Or any day following that day.
For eye makeup, I did a neutral smokey eye with my Urban Decay Naked Basics palette and some highlighting shadows from the Too Faced Chocolate Bar palette.
As a base, I used the Maybelline 24hr Color Tattoo in Barely Branded. That went all over my eyelid, all the way up to the brow bone to create a nice shimmery base for the shadows.
Next, I took Naked 2 on a fluffy crease brush, from the UD Naked Basics palette and blended that into the crease and lightly on the outer V of the eye.
After it was blended out softly, I used the pinky pearly shade from the Chocolate Bar palette on the center of the lid as well as on the brow bone for a brightening effect.
Then I took the Rimmel Scandeleyes Shadow stick in Witness White and dotted that on the inner corner.
I used a brown liner to line my upper lash line for a softer look and a nude pencil on my waterline to once again brighten the eyes.
I used the L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes Excess mascara to finish up my eyes.
On my nails: Nicole by OPI in My Lifesaver (I think this was actually part of the
Justin Bieber collection...Disclaimer #2: this blog is not associated or in support
of the spoiled delinquent starlet.) On my accent nail is a metallic gold colour by
China Glaze. The colour has no name....
This clutch is such a fun spring/summer accessory and guaranteed to wring compliments and attention! You could style it similar to how I did, which was last minute and unplanned but I think I actually like the pop of colour and fun the purse adds to the look. Or, you could pair it with a pair of light wash jeans, a loose fitting graphic tee haphazardly tucked into the jeans, boho wedges, and a straw fedora with a pair of wayfarers, and you've got an adorable, casual spring look. If you wanted to dress it up for a fun night out, wear a light floral sundress, black or nude pumps, a light faux leather jacket if it's chilly on summer nights wherever you are (like it can get here!), a coral lip, winged eyes, and boom! Stunner.
I hope you have had a great week so far and here's hoping the rest of the week will be even better!
With the recent burst of springtime weather here lately, I was inspired to finally bust out a lighter jacket and a cute springtime outfit that is both cute and functional. I've also included a makeup and hairstyle for this outfit, so if you guys are interested in an extremely simple, comfortable, and casually chic outfit, just keep reading!
Alright, so to start things off, I dug up some of my flowier blouses since it was finally above zero degrees Celsius here. The one I'm wearing in the photo below is one I picked up from Winners, but you can find a nice chiffon blouse basically anywhere these days. I think this one from H&M is super cute, and very similar to the one I'm wearing. What I like the best about this is that it hasn't got any buttons! Five minutes taken out of getting dressed right there as I'm kind of button-ly challenged.... This blouse is more on the sheer side, so if you want, you can wear a cute lace bralette under it, or simply do what I did and just wear a plain white bra. The pockets over the chest area make it so it's not a big deal if you choose a bra vs bralette. Either way still looks classy!
Because this top is so versatile, it easily goes with basically any kind of bottoms you choose, but for this particular "Girl on the Go" look, I chose to pair it with a pair of dark wash skinny jeans from Aeropostale. I think a pair of boyfriend jeans would also do the look justice as well. You can find decently priced destroyed boyfriend jeans from Forever 21. The boyfriend jean trend is definitely a hard one to pull off, so if the trend doesn't work for you, try something else. Try to work the trend, don't let the trend work you!
For shoes, I just wore my black combat boots since there's still snow on the ground here, plus, since I was running around a little that day, I didn't really want a heel. However, if you choose to go with the boyfriend jean look and there's no snow where you are, I highly recommend wearing a heel. Boyfriend jeans are naturally supposed to be loose and baggy, so to avoid drowning yourself in the jeans and shrinking yourself down, wear heels with them. If there was no snow, I definitely would have worn a pair of black pumps or black sandal heels like these ones here from Forever 21.
My purse is by Kenneth Cole that I found at Winners over the summer for only 40$! Needless to say, it's my favorite carry-all type of purse. The only downsides are the fact that the top has a snap button closure as opposed to a zippered one and there are no shoulder straps, so you can't just sling it on like you would a crossbody. All in all, this back is pretty awesome and is what I usually carry to school if I'm just bringing a notebook to class. I was able to find a similar handbag from H&M for you guys if you're looking for a sizeable purse to throw everything a girl on the go needs!
As for accessories, I kept my jewelry simple, wearing only my usual jewelry - my necklace, birthstone ring, and a ring with an "A" engraved in it - in addition to some rings I picked up from Forever 21 last week. On my middle finger, I have a bow midi ring, my index finger had a plain gold band, and on my other hand, I had a gold band with a flower on my thumb. These rings came in a set, so it made it super easy to just throw them on, knowing they already went together. Feel free to layer on the bracelets and dangly necklaces though! It will definitely make the look more chic.
Next, since it was sunny, I threw on my favourite aviator sunglasses and my tan faux leather bomber jacket to complete the look!
Now for the hair and makeup...
For my hair, it really wasn't cooperating being styled down or in a ponytail, so I decided to do a sock bun. Usually when I do these, it's a hit or miss type of thing since I can never get my hair to fully cover the sock all the way around. Plus, my sock is a nude colour which doesn't exactly blend in with my hair colour. I was thankful it worked out this time and I'm super pleased with the results!
How to: Sock Bun
First, pull your hair up in a ponytail. I like mine pretty high, so to do that, just flip your over, gather it all, and flip back over so you can pull it up in a ponytail.
Next, take your sock, preferably a mismatched one or one you won't miss wearing, and take some scissors, then chop off the entire toe part of the sock.
Once you've done that, take the sock and pull your ponytail through it until it's resting at the base where the hair tie is. Then, keeping one end of the sock at the base, stretch out the rest of the sock until it's completely covering the ponytail.
Now, spread the ends of your ponytail so that it covers the entire circumference of the sock hole bit, and roll!
Keep rolling until your sock looks like a bun and tuck in any edges that may be peeking out!
If you don't want to do the sock bun, feel free to use a hair donut.
Make your ponytail and simply pull it through the hair donut.
Next, spreading your hair evenly to cover the donut, start pinning away until all the hair is secured into the donut.
Pull out a few strands to make the look wispier and carefree.
Since I wanted it to look a little messy, I shook out my hair a little at the roots and pulled out a few strands near the ears. Some strands naturally fell out in the back and rather than pinning them, I left it alone. My hair, being the naturally curly mess it is, doesn't make this bun look all neat and tidy at all, which is the main idea behind a sock bun, but I like the messier unkempt look. It adds a to the relaxed, casual look we're going for!
Onto makeup...
On my nails, I have Essie's Lilacism
I kept it pretty easy and didn't use any liquid liner at all for this look! Definitely a rarity, but I think the black liner would have been too harsh for the look.
To start off, I used the Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream in Light/Medium. I've really grown attached to using this product since it moisturizes my skin as well as provides some coverage.
Since BB Cream isn't really full coverage, I followed up with using another Maybelline product. This one is their Dark Circle Eraser. After applying it in a > < shape under my eyes to both highlight and conceal. Then after blending it out, I also decided to use it as a primer for my eyeshadow.
To cover any extra blemishes, I took the Maybelline DreamLumi Concealer and dotted it on any red spots and anywhere else I wanted to highlight - center of the forehead, down the bridge of the nose, cupid's bow, chin, and around the lip area.
Next, I set it all with my Makeup For Ever Powder.
Moving on, I took my Revlon PhotoReady Skinlights Face Illuminizer in Bare Light and squeezed a decent amount onto the back of my hand. I have grown to adore this stuff and use it on a regular basis now. I like to call it my sunshine in a bottle. Using my third finger, I dabbed this along my cheekbones, up to the side of my face, close to the outer brow bone. The rest I apply to my forehead, tip of the nose, cupid's bow, and chin. Even though we already used the concealer to highlight, this just adds a healthy glow to the face. I highly recommend picking up this product if you can!
Onto the eyes, I filled in my brows with an angled brush and using Faint from the Naked Basics palette and then to darken the tail end, I used Crave. Try to avoid making your brows entirely one colour if you do fill in your brows! Always aim for a soft gradient from tip to tail for a more natural look and soften any harsh lines that happen with an angled brush using a spoolie brush.
Since we used the concealer to prime the eyes, we can jump straight into shadows. For this look I'll be using the Naked Basics palette.
Taking W.O.S. on my all over eyeshadow brush, I patted that all across the lid.
Then, using a crease brush, I picked up Naked 2 and swiped that into the crease, focusing on really accentuating the crease with this subtle taupe colour.
Using that same crease brush, I picked up Crave and concentrated that right into the outer crease and really dug the shadow into the outer crease, blending it softly as we approach the inner crease area.
To soften the harsh lines, I took a clean fluffy blending brush and softened the lines above the crease and along the outer corners for a natural smoky eye look.
Once everything has been blended, take a clean tapered crease brush, pick up Venus, and lightly pat that on the inner part of the eye to brighten things up. You can also use Venus for the brow bone highlight if you want.
**Optional**: If you can't go without eyeliner on your top lid, take an angle brush and pick up Crave and thinly line your upper lash line.
Next, we'll be lining the waterline with Rimmel's Scandeleyes Waterproof Kohl Pencil in Nude. This will help make the eyes look more awake and big. In addition, it's also less harsh looking on the eyes.
Last step for the eyes, take your favourite mascara - I love the L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes Excess in Blackest Black - and layer on as much as you like. I don't curl my lashes or anything, but if you do, do that prior to applying your mascara! Since I skipped eyeliner and didn't use Crave on my lash line, I applied four or five generous coats of mascara on my top lashes, then, switching to Maybelline's 360 Big Eyes Mascara for the dual wand, I took the smaller wand part of the mascara tube, and applied a couple coats of that on the bottom lashes.
Now that the eyes are done, I lightly contoured my face with Tarte's Amazonian Clay 12hr Bronzer in Park Avenue Princess. To contour: suck in the cheeks and apply the bronzer in the hollows, making sure to blend it all so that there are no harsh lines (this is where a good brush comes in handy, the one I use is the Sephora Pro Angled Contour Brush #39). You want to make sure you don't take the bronzer too close to the corners of your mouth because then it looks like you have a beard, and that ain't cute... Once the cheeks have been contoured, take some bronzer on the temples and jawline. The easiest way to think of contouring is making a 3 motion on the ride side of your face, and then a backwards 3 on the left side.
For blush, I lightly applied Benefit's Rockateur blush to my cheeks, swiping it up towards the temples so the blush doesn't drag my face down.
And that is everything!
Thank you so much for reading, and I will see you guys in my next post!
