Fashion, beauty, advice, tips, and rants, I hope to do my best at giving you guys the best information I can. Any products I review are my own opinions and purchased with my own money, I'm not popular enough to get free stuff I guess.
I'm a 19 year old second year student majoring in Communications Studies at Carleton University. I love writing and beauty, so this blog is going to be a culmination of all the things I am most passionate about. Thank you so much for checking out my blog!
I'm sitting here in class while I write this - very productive, I know. I've got a peppermint tea - it's supposed to be calming - and a double chocolate chip muffin - from the useless groceries I'd bought last Thursday. This morning sucked. All of my most worn/liked clothes are still bundled up in my blanket on my car. I walked out the house at 6:45 AM in nothing but *Alan's flannel shirt and my sneakers. I had to put my pants on in my freezing car - my leggings being even more frozen than the snow on the lawn - and my winter footwear now resides in a box in the shed. Because I was supposed to be staying with Alan. Last night was the first night I've spent at home in two months. Maybe more. Two and a half? Christ.
Some days will better than others. It's weird to be talking with him again so soon. And this time it's me reaching out rather than vice versa. We talked about our relationship and our many faults (he has baggage; I put others before myself). We talked about work and school and life and movies....I think it's fucked up, but I think he likes us, and wants me, more when we aren't "dating" per se. I don't know what's happening, or how this affects him, but me? I know I'm so messed up for even considering another sexcapade with him.
I wear his ring around my neck like some kind of sick trophy.
I don't know what I intend to do with it in the future - it fits none of my fingers. But it's meaning...what it symbolizes is why I took it. It's like a physical relationship status ring. Wear one way, it means single; wear it another, it means in a relationship; wear it a different way, it means engaged; and another way it means married. And when we were together - while he'd stopped wearing for a few months - every time he wore it, he wore it in the "single" position.
I knew what it meant. That he knew that I knew what it represented. After all, it was he that had explained it's meanings. Meanings which have stuck with me every time I looked at that damn ring. To add insult to injury, he'd wear the ring along with the watch I'd bought him for Christmas. A watch that I took, but will give back. I took the watch, ring, and scotch out of pettiness, but while all of those things are useless to me, I'm keeping the ring. The watch and scotch I'll return. I can't bring myself to sell the watch to anyone else. It doesn't belong with anyone else. Whatever he chooses to do with it after is up to him - he did keep it after the first breakup, although he also acquired the ring at the same time.
We spoke the other night - he's back on my social media, and while all I want to do is tag him in cute puppy videos, I remain unsure of where this "friendship" draws the line. I've never been friends with an ex. Certainly not one I'm in love with because I've never loved anyone like I love him. Not that I have a vast amount of relationship experience, but it wouldn't be my first "first time" doing something with him.
At any rate, we are planning on hanging this weekend. Follow me on Twitter to keep up to date on when I will have my post up regarding the weekend shenanigans that will undoubtedly ensue. Follow @aly_bean
Lucky for this blog, every time my life goes into crisis mode this thing gets a whole flood of content! (Barring the last crisis earlier this year since I was being flooded by liquor and poor judgment).
This post is going to be significantly shorter than the last, and it's going to consist of things that I will be doing to take of myself.
SPEND ONE WHOLE YEAR SOBER - I don't mean this in an "I'm an alcoholic" type of way, although that is arguable. I mean this in a "I will not get shittered because of a broken heart" type of way. It really does nothing except make things worse on my heart and body. And I don't know if my liver can physically handle another three month bender. Am I never gonna touch a drink for a whole year? I mean, that's the goal, but I won't deny myself a bottle of wine to unwind and de-stress.
GET AWAY - Like I mentioned in my last post, I am going to be booking myself a birthday getaway in the mountains where I can disconnect and recharge - if I could do it sooner I would, but alas, my birthday seems the best time for me to disappear as I hate celebrating it and I would rather not remember that I will be turning 22.
EMBRACE THE SINGLE LIFE - Having rewatched a bunch of my old videos, I can confidently say that I have not truly been single in 3 years. I have loved someone else for 3 years and have neglected myself. Like I said, I am insecure and I'm hoping in embracing singledom I can find my confidence again.
LOVE MYSELF - I'm being dragged to the gym and I couldn't be more relieved. I need to keep myself busy and if I can get my body back (dating Alan for the last year and a half was not good for my waistline) all the better.
If you have any other suggestions on how to take care of yourself and tips on how to be single please tweet me @aly_bean or leave it in the comments! I will also be updating my YouTube channel more, so keep an eye out for that! (YT: Alycia Benson)
For those of you who are new readers, hi! I often use this blog solely to vent my heartache it seems, but I'm hoping you'll get something out of it.
Maybe.
To pick up where my last post left off, and breaking my promise (sorry, but this is highly therapeutic...), SURPRISE! After months of calling and texting me we got back together....and then broke up again. Will it happen again? I'm not entertaining that thought. Just so we're on the same page,
here is a recap of the last year of my life:
MAY 2015
I met a man who was everything I wanted and more. Literally thought he was perfect for me. He was tall, dark, and handsome with an old world perspective.
Predictably, we dated. Like anyone else, we had our ups and downs.
We did sleep together after initially meeting - something I don't regret.
JUNE
Continued "seeing" each other, though not exclusively.
We did go on dates, I met his sister.
JULY
He (we'll call him *Alan) and his sister got evicted.
Due to a sudden financial downturn, he ended up couch surfing for a bit.
Because of the eviction and some long unsolved issues, Alan and his sister stopped talking to each other.
His friend let him stay in the living room of his one bedroom downtown apartment. Alan has an air mattress so it wasn't too bad (yes, I slept over a few times on the air mattress).
Despite all this, we went on our first camping trip together during which resulted in his truck breaking down at the start of the weekend and us being stuck there all weekend until his friend could come pick us and the boat up at the end of the weekend.
AUGUST
He crashes his motorcycle.
I become his emergency contact.
He is now motorcycle-less and vehicle-less
SEPTEMBER
Priority #1 becomes getting a vehicle as school had started for me and I would be waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive him from downtown to work then I would go back home to sleep a bit as I didn't have classes until 11 AM normally.
He finds a vehicle, spends more for it than he'd like, but ultimately it was his style of vehicle and he loved, it was in good condition.
OCTOBER
Thanksgiving and his birthday fall at the same time
We celebrated both together, I treated him to a night out, all of his friends were there.
NOVEMBER
He finds a new place to live that is closer to work for him.
He is going out of town a lot for work now.
DECEMBER
My birthday - he's still out of town
Christmas - he gave me a gift set from lush and a tea set; I got him a Fossil watch (he'd said he didn't have any kind of nice watch to wear).
My family invites him to Jasper with us for some skiing over the New Year; he says no.
JANUARY 2016
The Facebook Breakup
FEBRUARY-MARCH
Honestly, a blur. During this time, I was going out every weekend and drinking heavily. I did anything to try and heal myself, and everything I did wasn't the healthiest options for a broken heart.
He also continued to contact me from the end of February until the end of March when I finally returned his calls and text messages.
At the end of March, I went to his place to return a part I'd had for his bike since his accident in August. We slept together and it was the best I'd ever had.
I stayed the night, but the following morning I did try to leave while he was in the bathroom. Emotions took over, and I found myself crying in my car - a favourite place of mine to let out some pent up emotions apparently.
APRIL
We officially were back together, he came out with friends of mine and truly made an effort. We both did.
MAY-AUGUST
We had an amazing summer together.
Again, some bumps, but things didn't really take a turn for the worst until August/September.
He quit his job, something he'd thought about doing for a long time.
At the end of August, he had a wedding in Ontario to go to. His reasons for not asking me to go with him - he couldn't afford my ticket and he knew I couldn't afford one either as work was slow for me. This caused a bit of a rift on my end.
SEPTEMBER
He comes back from the wedding and a week and a half at home. I think he very much needed this vacation (from life and me(?)).
While he was gone, he informs me of some worrying things happening on his downstairs. He assures me he has never physically cheated on me, but nonetheless I get checked out. I'm clean.
When he comes back he goes to the Dr. and for dignity's sake, we'll say that his bumps were more than just razor burn.
I offer to pay for groceries and dinner as I had been staying at his place for awhile and he was jobless - I felt the need and responsibility to contribute where I could.
To fill our time, we went to the animal shelter and had his landlord allowed it, we would have adopted our own little fur baby.
He gets a new job offer at the end of the month.
OCTOBER
Thanksgiving and his birthday. We did a friends-giving at his friends' house on the Saturday and then Thanksgiving at my parents' house the next day. He hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and having my S.O. be a part of my family is a little important to me. Little did I know, this would be the catalyst for our breakup.
I give him his birthday present at friends-giving along with his card once we got home.
On Monday morning, he left for work until Friday.
Friday morning, 11 AM, he comes home. I could tell all week he'd been distant. Something I recognized from before.
Our day and evening go normally. He went to get his hair cut, I worked on assignments. He came home and kept avoiding me from moving to the couch to the bedroom, I'd go join him so we can catch up and talk about the week and this upcoming weekend, he'd move away to the bathroom, then to the couch where I'd join him and he'd move away again.
He goes to make dinner, we watch a movie, everything appears, fine but tense. I see him texting another woman, he barely tries to hide it. He shows me a photo of him five years ago. We finish the movie, he goes to the bedroom, I ask if we could watch Harry Potter, he says we need to talk.
October 14, 2016 - THE END.
Only mildly getting into the sordid details of our second breakup (which basically consisted of much of the same problems he'd had before), here is a condensed-ish list of his reasons why we needed to breakup which he prefaced with a "I hate seeing your stuff in my place, I'm a very independent person and I feel smothered." His reasons go as follows:
He just turned 24, having been in the military for five years, he feels he is physically falling apart. In three years he'd like to buy a house and start a family.
Because of this, he wants kids before he's 30 so that he is able "to play hockey with his kids" and not kill himself doing so. In a nutshell, he wants to be a strong role model for his kids.
He doesn't see us going long term despite my support and many virtuous qualities (paraphrasing).
And finally, the true kick in the teeth, he never loved me.
All of his reasons are valid and justified. When I asked why he didn't think any of what he wanted would be possible with me, he simply said that he didn't know, only that he didn't see us having a future together.
So his perspective now painted for you, here are my thoughts on the white picket fence dream.
Marriage is a sham. A social construct with archaic traditions and beliefs. It is not necessary, not to mention the legalities involved. I would never change my last name for anyone.
If you absolutely must have a ceremony, no circuses.
Onto kids. This is where I get a little iffy. I had never wanted kids before Alan. He made me want to have a baby or two and that thought is terrifying because it wasn't just a fur baby he wanted, but an actual baby/babies. Full disclosure: we did have a pregnancy scare over the summer - it turned out to be nasty cramps, don't worry. During that time, he had assured me he would be there for me if it turned out I really was pregnant. I was of course relieved to not be, but I think he was a little more disappointed mixed with a little relief.
My own feelings about kids aside, I knew after our first few months back together and the magic of being together again wore off, I realized he never loved me. After Canada Day, I knew he began speaking to other women again. Prior to this, two friends of mine had found his Tinder profile. I was going to end things then, but didn't because I was deluded and thought we could still work out. He did later admit to having a Tinder which he used "for shits and gigs" - boy, if you think you're gonna find your baby mama on Tinder, you are more fucked than we both thought.
Because of this, I also learned that we had two different ideas of the meaning of "cheat" (**see definition below).
While someday, I would love to settle down (I thought I was ready for that now, but apparently not). This relationship made me realize that I still have a lot I need to accomplish before I settle. I want to have a career and travel. Not that I can't do any of that WITH someone, the right someone, but with kids, that's obviously more of a challenge.
And boy did I burn.
In my eyes, 24 is not that old. And I never imagined that a two-year age gap would create this much of a rift between us. Alas, he is an old soul, and while I value old-fashioned morals, my plans for the next couple years revolve around travel and a career if I'm lucky. While my actions reflect my age, my values reflect my soul, and I think that's important for me to realize. Of course he had many times where it was a little obvious he wished he could still be in college, especially when he'd go "crush beers with the boys" and we'd listen to songs from 2010.
While he is in his second career, I haven't even started mine. When he's ready to buy a house, I'll probably still be renting. I never wanted to admit it before, but we just are not at the same place in our lives where we can connect with each other on a deeper level.
I know while we were together, I relied heavily on him to take care of me.
When we got back together, I held fast to the woman I wanted to be, the woman I wanted to be and intended to become while we were apart. But that didn't happen, I got comfortable with falling back into a routine and I'd known from the start that if we were going to last, we needed to change. At first, we did, but you can't change who you fundamentally are.
I gave 110% of my heart and soul into this relationship, but ultimately, I believe that after the honeymoon phase is over, you have to make a conscious decision to love the person you're with everyday. I believe you choose to fall in love with someone, but lust is out of our control. You can be in lust for a month or a year, but once that passes, you need to choose to love someone.
And that choice wasn't mine to make. I made my choice, he made his. He chose to not love me. And I have to accept that. He is the great man I know he is, and that might sound like I'm not over him, but I am. I just will never stop loving the man who, for over a year, filled my heart with so many memories and love. Despite all the pain, there was good, and there was a reason why I stayed. I accept him for the man he is, but I think most women's greatest flaw is falling in love with the potential of a man, rather than the man himself.
I did everything I could in this relationship, and I am at peace this time.
We have agreed to try and be friends. I know that losing him completely is not something I can do, as we tried and it didn't work. Even in the beginning, I'd always harboured a hope that if/when we broke up, we'd remain friends. As opposite as we are, we share a lot in common. With him still in my life, as a friend, I believe this will lead a healthier overall relationship with both him and myself.
I know him as a boyfriend, and to be honest, he sucked at it. Maybe it was just because he didn't love me as said. In April to July, everything was perfect. We went out, we laughed, we loved. But relationships take work and he wasn't willing to put in the effort, and I wasn't willing to pick up the slack. He would go through the motions of being a "good" boyfriend, but nothing concrete came of it because his heart wasn't in it.
However, I've seen him as a friend, and I know he would go above and beyond for all of his friends. He's a better man when he's a friend. And I feel like knowing him as a friend is the best option for us. For me. I would rather have him as a friend rather than not at all, and when it comes to us seeing other people, I know it will hurt, I may get jealous, but I will know that I had him before she did, that I loved him more fiercely than she can imagine.
I do believe we got stuck in a rut. I do think there could have been some changes, but again, I did try, and my actions were a result of what I thought was the right thing at the time. We never talked. Not really. Not about real things or things that mattered.
As a person, my nature is to curl in a ball in the corner and not move and I would be satisfied with that. I don't tend to go out unless I have to and because of that, I rely on other people to get me motivated, when I need to rely on myself more. I need to trust that I can make myself okay for me and that I will make my life good for me. I thought he was the person to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, but I need to provide that motivation for myself.
I am insecure.
I crave the love and affection of others. I love being held at night and I love cuddling together on the couch just being. I love being teased and having my ass slapped (by my S.O. of course).
I know I can't be all of that, but, I can be most of that for me. And taking care of me isn't something I've done for over two years now.
For the remainder of my education, I'm going to put my focus on myself and be selfish. I have spent the last three or four years giving everything I had to guys who didn't deserve it and that's my fault. This year and next, I will take care of myself. My birthday present to myself this year will also be a getaway to the mountains. I need to escape and get out of this town. I need to feel free again. Originally, I had wanted to go away with him, but obviously we won't be doing that. I do need to disconnect and recharge and find myself, love myself, and stay away from pelvic sorcery for the rest of my degree. And probably afterwards too.
I would love nothing more than to settle into a comfortable and loving relationship, but that's not in my cards, clearly. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, having been consumed by a loveless relationship. I didn't even realize that I was the only one holding up the heavy walls of our relationship. I still cry. I cried while recapping our relationship, I woke up at 7 AM feeling numb, I cried before and after breakfast and I haven't moved from this spot on the couch all day.
But I can't live the rest of my life looking back on past memories. I can't drive down the roads and listen to the radio and turn on Netflix and talk to people without instinctively thinking about us. But I can't move on when I'm still consumed by the past. Keeping busy is going to be best thing for me right now. I'm going to spend my time in the gym and with friends and hopefully at work.
I am going to focus on creating new memories. I want to be able to go about my life without crying at the drop of a hat. I will never be able to listen to some songs without thinking about us and the laughter and goofiness we would have. Because that's the thing about songs. They create and hold within them memories. Memories which will be a part of my life forever. But in the grand scheme of things, and in my story, this chapter of my life is over.
I have learned, this time, that I am capable of a great love. As much as I would love to jump ten years into the future, just to see and know that my life really does turn out to be okay, I know that keeping hope and optimism in everything I do is vital. The best I can do for me right now is turn all the love that I gave him over this crazy journey, and give it all back to myself. Because right now, no one deserves it more than I do.
I do.
Love and light,
A. Bean. Tweet to @aly_bean
* Name has been changed, not that it matters because if you watch the video, I said it there - oops
**To cheat (according to A. Bean): to emotionally or physically be unfaithful to one's partner. (i.e. (a) flirting with others via social media and/or text message; this flirtation alludes to a potential "date" or meet up. (b) the exchanging of nudes by either party. (c) the traditional meaning of the word "cheat".)
PS- Thank you to R.H. Sin for providing me with words that encompass my feelings better than I ever could.
PPS- This is a vlog/video I filmed when I first began seeing him. I knew this was something I had to share the minute I saw how happy I was to have met him and be with him. This video represents my naive hopes and dreams of our future as well as an innocence I will never regain.
So this is going to be a follow up post from my last Update post here. My goal is to make this post as full of positivity and a lot less "rant-y" than my previous post on the matter. Plus, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, I figured this post is both therapeutic and helpful, since it's that time of year again and, arguably, the worst time of the year (whether you're single or not, let's be honest *shameless plug* read my Valentine's day post from 2014 to see why!)
Okay, moving on to the point of the post. Like most women, I have surrounded myself with friends and alcohol in an effort to console myself in light of recent events. During this important time, I decided that a 30-day no contact period would be the best way to handle the situation. Until I realized I was using my no contact period as a crutch. I was counting down the days until I could let myself talk to him again.
People, particularly those who have been broken up with by their SO, are under the impression that closure is needed before one can move on. But when the possibility of closure is impossible, or non-attainable, I feel like people get wrapped up in the idea that they need answers to move on. This is false.
I probably, at this point, understand very well the burning need for answers and the curiosity that eats away you. Thinking again and again that if you could just meet up one more time, the stars will realign and everything will be fine again. Well, that's false and I am not saying that from experience. I am saying this coming from a place of rationality and understanding. Try to empathize with the person who shattered your heart, try to see what they saw was wrong with your relationship, but you'll never get answers that way.
Dwell and grieve for as long as you need to, but pick up your head after and realize that brighter days are ahead. Even if those brighter days revolve purely around your next glass or six of cheap wine. Because sometimes in life, it's the little things that count and I believe in keeping hope alive no matter what. Whether you're swamped with school, heartbroken, or in a rut, realize that things will get better.
It doesn't get easier. You'll always love them, every little inconsequential thing might remind you of them, and there will be days that you feel like you can't breathe unless you have them back in your life. When that happens, take a deep breath, have a drink or two, and move on. Acceptance is a key part of the grieving process and it's often the part that is the hardest to achieve. But it's possible. Keep your chin up, embrace a new hobby or rediscover an old, surround yourself with people who love you, and let go of the past. Treasure the memories, look back fondly on the good times, but don't try to recreate them. You can't.
There's a quote that floats around the Internet that I see sometimes:
And I don't think nothing could ever be more true. My ex truly was my first love, even if I wasn't his, but to the next man in my life, I hope you do better than your predecessor because he left you a wreck to deal with. As if I wasn't enough of a wreck as it is! (That was my sad attempt at humour *hint hint* *nudge nudge*)
I've also come to a very enlightening conclusion which was this: It is not my responsibility to be the first one to reach out to him. Having been the person to break up with someone else on many occasions, I have always known that being the one to do the breaking up holds a certain amount of power. And with great power comes great responsibility. So, if your ex broke up with you and wanted to get back in touch, as the person responsible for the break up, it is on them to try to reach out first. They left a gem behind and when they realize your worth, you'll have already moved on.
Bottom line? Be kind.
If they reach out and you're confident in your own feelings, reach back (in a friendly manner) and if you're not ready for that step, tell them that you're not ready to get back in touch, and when/if you ever are, you'll reach again and this time, the ball is in your court.I believe that if you emit positive energy, karma will be there for you. So simply be kind to one another. (Unless your ex is a crazy criminal, in which kindly but urgently call the cops, a lawyer, and get a restraining order).
I am making this promise to myself today: This is the last post I will make about my most recent fail of a relationship.
And in spirit of that promise, I will be posting a makeup review type thing next week! I'm going to try and make Wednesdays my blogging days.
I hope this post helped you and that my advice made some sense? If you guys have any suggestions or ways you get over a semi-serious/serious relationship, please leave it in the comments below or tweet me @aly_bean
So, I realize it's a bit ironic for me to do a rant-type post after just going on about self-improvement, but, like I said in my last post, old habits tend to die hard, and I am a very stubborn individual. Also old, so you know, old dogs and new tricks don't go together. But, I have justified this post in convincing myself it is for the greater good. Also, it just really, desperately needs to be addressed. I was going to do a video on this topic simply because my mouth moves faster than my fingers, as do my thoughts, but my background is kind of shady, and the whole video would be an hour long rant. This has the semblance of more structure, I think.
For those who don't know, I am biracial. My mom is Vietnamese, and my dad is Canadian (read: a whole mishmash of cultures where there is some percentage of Scandinavian and some percentage of Aboriginal and some percentage of Ukrainian. I think.) I only offer this information because it is pertinent to the discussion and gives me some amount of authority on the topic. Otherwise, my race shouldn't - and doesn't - really matter.
Since reaching adulthood and branching off into a world outside of my parents' circle of influence, I have been confronted more now than ever about my race. From questions like "What are you?" and "Where are you from?" they get more and more intrusive depending on the person asking them.
These are all usually asked before my name is even known or is usually the next question after "What's your name?" To go up to a person who looks, and I'm purposely being generic here, white, and ask them where they are from is laughable and ridiculous. Well, the same thing when I'm asked where I'm from. I am from Canada, I was born here. I have never permanently moved anywhere else - I had a two year stint in Ontario, if you recall from my earlier posts. I am a human being, that is what I am. More specifically, then, if that doesn't satisfy the question, I am a biologically female human being. Not a martian, surprise! I am exactly what you are, so when I am asked, "What are you" you can only imagine my shock, amusement, and annoyance. The other person's reaction is even more laughable when I answer that I am human and that I am Canadian.
People say"what are you" or "where are you from" as a means to be more politically correct, but what they don't realize is that to even ask the question damns them. I won't fault their curiosity, but at the same time, why does it matter what my race is? I am fully aware that I maybe don't look like a "typical" white girl (again I am being very general and loose with that term). I am also very self conscious of that fact and when it is pointed out to me, I feel even more awkward. Which I shouldn't. I am very proud of who I am and where my parents are from and I love my culture. Both of them.
Being mixed race is hard enough as it is - you feel like you don't belong anywhere - without having people interrogate you about it.
That lengthy backstory brings me to what I really wanted to discuss which is the use of the word "exotic" when referring to someone "not from here". For the purpose of this post, we will use "not from here" to refer to people who are not physically different (either in skin tone, hair texture, eye shape, etc.).
The other night while I was at work, near the end of my shift, a single middle aged gentleman(ish) walked in - he's clearly "from here" - and as I approached him, he asked about my hair texture (naturally curly) to which he seemed to enjoy - apparently he has a "thing" for curly haired gals (ew...) - and then asked about my race - again using the standard "where are you from" line - to which I replied as nicely as possible - because despite hating my job I still need my job - that my mother is from Vietnam and my dad is from here with some sort of Scandinavian background - hence my accursed curls. He widened his eyes in delight, ooohed and ahhhed over my race and proclaimed me "exotic".
PS - Dude, if you're reading this by some gross chance and sick twist of fate, I might work in a restaurant, but I still have a small miniscule shred of dignity left that I guard like a starving, rabid dog over a masticated bone. In other words, I don't want/need a sugar daddy. Yet. And when/if I do need one, I certainly won't be asking you to step up.
Upon being called exotic, I nearly threw up in my mouth. But, because I am great at my job, forced a tight lipped smile and proceeded to avoid eye contact and approaching his vicinity for the duration of my shift. I am not "exotic". I am not some imported rarity. I am a person, not a thing, and I think that is my biggest issue when I am faced with this question of race. I feel like a thing. An exotic thing that is there only to be admired and ooohed and ahhed over.
The problem with this is that I am reduced to being a thoughtless inanimate object. Which sort of sets back decades of feminist movements and advances. Hey, Emma Watson, speak up for the "exotic" people, too, okay?
When someone is reduced to being just "exotic" my ideas, dreams, pursuits, goals, and thoughts are irrelevant. Because I am exotic. I am like a Siberian Tiger placed in a zoo. Just there to be looked at and cared for and never free. I deserve to be more than caged. I deserve to be more than "exotic". Or a car. Cars are also described as exotic. I am, sadly, not a transformer.
This is a problem not just with strangers, but also in my sad pursuit of love. Boys only want me because I am exotic, men only want to creep on me, and I am left stranded in the middle, wanting neither. I deserve respect.
Not really, but you get the idea....
And that is something I thought was my right as a human being. But I guess in the eyes of mainstream "from here" society, all I will ever be is "exotic".
Love and Light,
A. Bean
PS - Leave your thoughts, comments, and experiences below! Am I alone in feeling this way? Have you ever been called exotic or has your race ever been questioned?
Whether makeup is a completely foreign concept to you or you consider yourself pretty proficient, there's just somethings a girl needs to have in her makeup bag. Today's post is dedicated to anyone just starting out with makeup or are unsure of which products are absolute necessities to make up a flawless face. This edition is purely drugstore products because let's be honest not all of us can afford to drop $40+ on a foundation at Sephora or buy a $20 lipstick at MAC.
First of all, if you're looking into dabbling in makeup for the first time (no, playing in your mom's makeup doesn't count) then chances are, you're looking to fix one of the many skin problems that arise in preadolescence and that is acne, pimples, blemishes, discolouration, etc.
To fix these problems, I can tell you right now, avoid caking on the foundation. No amount of cake face is going to hide the blemishes, so put down the Covergirl bottle and sit down. The only way you're going to get rid of the pimples is to wash and moisturize that face. Since this won't help clear it up right away, I advise gravitating towards a BB Cream or tinted moisturizer to cure any redness on the face.
My recommendation: Dream Fresh BB Cream by Maybelline ($8 at Shoppers Drug Mart). If you're oily, or not a fan of Maybelline, the Covergirl Smoothers tinted moisturizer/BB Cream is a great alternative, so I've heard. If anyone's tried it, let me know your thoughts in the comments.
If you do want something more full coverage, the L'Oreal TruMatch foundations are awesome - only thing is. there's no pump, so you kind of have to work to get it out of the bottle.For concealer, if you feel you need it, the L'Oreal Lumi or Maybelline Dark circle eraser are great for dark circles or covering up any blemishes.
Next, I'm not sure how many tweens/teens start getting them brows done, but even if it's just cleaning up near that brow bone, don't forget the brows! They are everything when it comes to making a face. Since most people's brows tend to be lighter than their natural hair colour, I recommend purchasing a brow pencil a shade or two darker than your natural hair colour. I've got a brow pencil by Covergirl that seems to do the trick, and I think it's only $5-$6 at the drugstore. I've also recent;y picked up the Maybelline Define-a-Brow and it's a pretty good pencil, smooth, easy to put on, but kind of hard to crank out the tip because it's a retractable pencil as opposed to a regular pencil. What's your favourite drugstore brow pencil?
Beauty Tip: Make sure you buy two. Brows are lighter at the tip and darker at the tail, so to avoid looking like you drew those bad boys on with a sharpie, lightly fill in the tip with the lighter shade and then switch to the darker shade once you reach the arch. If it helps to define your brow shape, take the darker pencil and with feathery upwards strokes, line the lower portion of your brow from tip to tail.
Moving below the brow, once those have been cleanly filled in, we can focus on the eyes. Obviously, if you're going to school you're not going to go Glamazon and do a full on neutral smokey eye because most of us choose sleep over spending an extra 20 mins in the bathroom mirror perfecting our eye shadow. I have three products that I think are must haves, but, as with anything else, you can choose which ones you think are relevant to you.
The first product I want to mention is a cream eye shadow and it's been featured on my blog a few times already. It's the Maybelline 24hr Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze. I'm going on using this product for two years and no matter what eye shadow or palette I use, I always find myself falling in love with this bronze shade. It's quick and easy to apply (as long as you don't have long nails, then it gets a bit tricky). Literally only takes me two seconds to swipe and blend the product all over my eye lid for it to create an effortless "look I did try today" look.
To go along with that, every girl needs a good mascara and while the Maybelline ones are raved about, I stand by the L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes Excess Mascara. Some people like the original Million Lashes in Carbon Black, but because I have yet to try that one, the Excess mascara is everything I want in a mascara. It lengthens and thickens and looks lovely without any eye liner necessary (I've gone out a few times with only this masacra, no liner, and it looks like I've got some falsies on. PS- I rarely go out without eyeliner, so this mascara is kind of a big deal.)
Lastly for eyes, and I'm mentioning this last because like I said above, after a few coats (or five - I don't mind the slight clump that goes along with this many coats) I don't feel the need for eyeliner, but the Maybelline Masterprecise is a great liquid liner option. It's a fine felt tip liner that makes winged eyes very easy. That being said, I love the Stila Stay All Day liner because it's waterproof, and I have yet to find a truly waterproof drugstore eye liner. So if you can, I recommend Stila, but I'd say the Maybelline Masterprecise is a pretty good dupe for it.
Since this is a makeup bag must haves, a girl's gotta have that blush. I feel like in every category I'm mentioning Maybelline, but honestly, the products I've tried from them are both affordable and really look beautiful. That being said, the Master Hi-Light powders are awesome. I love the lightest(?) shade which is a bronze-y rose colour. This I use to either contour lightly with or use on the highest points of my cheeks and then use either a rose gold toned blush or a rose blush to blend towards the apples (but never actually on the apples because we don't want to drag our faces down). If you're looking for Milani's iconic, raved about baked blushes but are having a hard time finding it at your local drugstore, look for it Loblaws or Superstore. I took a trip down their makeup aisle a few weeks ago and stumbled upon a section for Milani Cosmetics and got more than a little excited. Rose D'Oro is my favourite shade!
Lastly, lippies! Whether you're a lipstick, gloss, or balm girl, I've got a recommendation for your makeup bag and it all starts with a good lipstick!
I think everyday lipstick colours are okay to splurge on because duh, you'll be wearing them all day, all the time. I think three basic colours are a must have in every girl's makeup bag. First, you need a nude colour. I love MAC Myth, but if you don't want to splurge on a MAC lipstick the Maybelline Buffs lipstick collection are amazing! Blushing Beige is my favourite shade from that line.
Next, every girl needs a rocking red. The Hourglass Cosmetics Liquid Lipstick in Icon lives up to it's name. It's an iconic red in my opinion and flatters everyone. It's a deep blue toned red as opposed to more orangey reds that are a little harder to pull off.
Finally, every girl needs an everyday pink shade. I recently picked up the new, limited edition Bite Beauty Deconstructed Rose lipstick line in Damask. It's a beautiful "your lips but better" shade. Bite lipsticks are all made from natural ingredients and the lipstick shade itself is akin to a MAC Creme Sheen lipstick, but can easily be layered if you want more colour pay off. L'Oreal Paris has a wonderful line of pinks to choose from and the formula is pretty amazing too.
If lipsticks aren't your thing, a lip balm is a must, and while the EOS lip balms are adorable, they are a little inconvenient to store, but easy to find in your purse. Don't forget to include your favourite lip balm in your makeup bag.
I hope this was semi-helpful for any makeup noobs out there. If not, feel free to let me know what your makeup bag must haves are whether they're drugstore or high end.
Today, we'll being styling the crop top in a way that will make the most tummy conscious girl feel confident with her fashion choices.
With spring approaching (finally!) it's time to ditch the poofy winter coats, fleece lined leggings, and chunky oversized knit sweaters. Last year, I feel like crop tops were just starting to emerge as a trend and have continued as the 90s make their way back into 2014. I wasn't quick to jump on the crop top bandwagon. Like most trends, I prefer to wait a while to see how long they'll stick around before investing in some cheap versions to try out for myself. I'm a firm believer in investing in the basics, like a good pair of skinnies or a cozy sweater/cardigan. However, it's great to stay on point with your fashion choices and even though bell bottoms have slowly started to gain way in hipster stores like Urban Outfitters, I'm hoping those will quickly die back into the 70s where they belong.
So, without further ado, here are 3 easy tricks and tips on how to wear crop tops for the midrift conscious.
1. High Waisted
"You in your high waisted shorts, oh…." -Sweater Weather, The Neighbors. (I couldn't help myself.)
First, if you're uncomfortable showing off your tummy, be rest assured another trend which is emerging from the 90s is high waisted anything. Not to be confused with mom jeans, high waisted jeans can look cute and flirty when paired with a crop top of your choice. Because cropped sweaters became a thing, which had me firmly against crop tops at the start (I live in Canada, cropped sweaters shouldn't even be a thing up here!) I highly recommend investing in a comfy pair of high waisted jeans. American Eagle is a great place to go if you're unsure where to find them. I own a pair from there and they are honestly the most comfy things ever - and I hate wearing pants, so it's kind of a big deal.
Also, high waisted shorts are a great way to wear crop tops during the summer months. Or spring months if you are fortunate enough to live somewhere where spring means warm, not awkward winter.
Skirts are also a popular way to wear crop tops - especially if you're going for a girly, flirty look.
2. Overalls
Photo cred to http://blog.mariofashion.com/
Yet another trend from the 90s I'm sure we can all remember fondly. Overalls emerged around the same time as the crop tops began to pick up speed, I noticed them being most apparent in 2013 and it's only picked up speed since then. I guess nostalgic 90s kids couldn't help but reinvesting in their childhood staples. Personally, I hated overalls growing up and have yet to purchase a pair for myself, but I do think they are adorable when styled with a crop top. It says "grown up" rather than "toddler". Add a pair of cute heels or wedges and it's definitely a midriff comfy way to wear a crop top and still show a little something. Keeping it classy one crop top at a time!
Forever 21 has some decently priced overalls for anyone brave enough to try this trend. I saw a girl on campus the other day sporting a pair of distressed boyfriend overalls over a black crop top under an oversized camel coloured wool coat with a messy bun, red lips, and nerdy glasses. Needless to say, I loved her look and wanted to compliment her on it, but she was walking pretty fast and I was late for class, so it didn't happen.
Cardigans are a great way to get some coverage while still keep the crop top effect. This can also be added to any of the above mentioned ways for a cozy look or, you know, just because cardigans are awesome. In the winter, we wear thick cozy knit cardigans, and in the summer, open knit, crochet and lacy cardigans come out to play. I also really love the relaxed, effortless boho look. Cardigans go with almost everything, so there is not way you can possibly style it wrong - especially with crop tops.
And there you have it! Three easy ways to wear a crop top without needing a six pack (cause who has the time and effort for that). Hopefully this gave you all some ideas on your spring/summer outfits this season, and if not, well, I tried.
Thanks so much for reading and I'll see you in my next post!
