A Fresh Start...AGAIN

Hey guys!

So. I'm single again.

For those of you who are new readers, hi! I often use this blog solely to vent my heartache it seems, but I'm hoping you'll get something out of it.

Maybe.



To pick up where my last post left off, and breaking my promise (sorry, but this is highly therapeutic...), SURPRISE! After months of calling and texting me we got back together....and then broke up again. Will it happen again? I'm not entertaining that thought. Just so we're on the same page,
here is a recap of the last year of my life:

• MAY 2015
• I met a man who was everything I wanted and more. Literally thought he was perfect for me. He was tall, dark, and handsome with an old world perspective.
• Predictably, we dated. Like anyone else, we had our ups and downs.
• We did sleep together after initially meeting - something I don't regret.
• JUNE
• Continued "seeing" each other, though not exclusively. 
• We did go on dates, I met his sister.
• JULY

• He (we'll call him *Alan) and his sister got evicted.
• Due to a sudden financial downturn, he ended up couch surfing for a bit.
• Because of the eviction and some long unsolved issues, Alan and his sister stopped talking to each other.
• His friend let him stay in the living room of his one bedroom downtown apartment. Alan has an air mattress so it wasn't too bad (yes, I slept over a few times on the air mattress).
• Despite all this, we went on our first camping trip together during which resulted in his truck breaking down at the start of the weekend and us being stuck there all weekend until his friend could come pick us and the boat up at the end of the weekend.
• AUGUST
• He crashes his motorcycle.
• I become his emergency contact.
• He is now motorcycle-less and vehicle-less
• SEPTEMBER

• Priority #1 becomes getting a vehicle as school had started for me and I would be waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive him from downtown to work then I would go back home to sleep a bit as I didn't have classes until 11 AM normally.
• He finds a vehicle, spends more for it than he'd like, but ultimately it was his style of vehicle and he loved, it was in good condition.
• OCTOBER
• Thanksgiving and his birthday fall at the same time
• We celebrated both together, I treated him to a night out, all of his friends were there.
• NOVEMBER
• He finds a new place to live that is closer to work for him.
• He is going out of town a lot for work now.
• DECEMBER
  
• My birthday - he's still out of town
• Christmas - he gave me a gift set from lush and a tea set; I got him a Fossil watch (he'd said he didn't have any kind of nice watch to wear).
• My family invites him to Jasper with us for some skiing over the New Year; he says no.
• JANUARY 2016
• The Facebook Breakup
• FEBRUARY-MARCH
• Honestly, a blur. During this time, I was going out every weekend and drinking heavily. I did anything to try and heal myself, and everything I did wasn't the healthiest options for a broken heart.
• He also continued to contact me from the end of February until the end of March when I finally returned his calls and text messages.
• At the end of March, I went to his place to return a part I'd had for his bike since his accident in August. We slept together and it was the best I'd ever had.
• I stayed the night, but the following morning I did try to leave while he was in the bathroom. Emotions took over, and I found myself crying in my car - a favourite place of mine to let out some pent up emotions apparently.
• APRIL
• We officially were back together, he came out with friends of mine and truly made an effort. We both did.
• MAY-AUGUST
• We had an amazing summer together.
• Again, some bumps, but things didn't really take a turn for the worst until August/September.
• He quit his job, something he'd thought about doing for a long time.
• At the end of August, he had a wedding in Ontario to go to. His reasons for not asking me to go with him - he couldn't afford my ticket and he knew I couldn't afford one either as work was slow for me. This caused a bit of a rift on my end.
• SEPTEMBER
  
• He comes back from the wedding and a week and a half at home. I think he very much needed this vacation (from life and me(?)).
• While he was gone, he informs me of some worrying things happening on his downstairs. He assures me he has never physically cheated on me, but nonetheless I get checked out. I'm clean.
• When he comes back he goes to the Dr. and for dignity's sake, we'll say that his bumps were more than just razor burn.
• I offer to pay for groceries and dinner as I had been staying at his place for awhile and he was jobless - I felt the need and responsibility to contribute where I could.
• To fill our time, we went to the animal shelter and had his landlord allowed it, we would have adopted our own little fur baby.
• He gets a new job offer at the end of the month.
• OCTOBER
• Thanksgiving and his birthday. We did a friends-giving at his friends' house on the Saturday and then Thanksgiving at my parents' house the next day. He hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and having my S.O. be a part of my family is a little important to me. Little did I know, this would be the catalyst for our breakup.
• I give him his birthday present at friends-giving along with his card once we got home.
• On Monday morning, he left for work until Friday.
• Friday morning, 11 AM, he comes home. I could tell all week he'd been distant. Something I recognized from before.
• Our day and evening go normally. He went to get his hair cut, I worked on assignments. He came home and kept avoiding me from moving to the couch to the bedroom, I'd go join him so we can catch up and talk about the week and this upcoming weekend, he'd move away to the bathroom, then to the couch where I'd join him and he'd move away again. 
• He goes to make dinner, we watch a movie, everything appears, fine but tense. I see him texting another woman, he barely tries to hide it. He shows me a photo of him five years ago. We finish the movie, he goes to the bedroom, I ask if we could watch Harry Potter, he says we need to talk.
• October 14, 2016 - THE END.
  

Only mildly getting into the sordid details of our second breakup (which basically consisted of much of the same problems he'd had before), here is a condensed-ish list of his reasons why we needed to breakup which he prefaced with a "I hate seeing your stuff in my place, I'm a very independent person and I feel smothered." His reasons go as follows:

1. He just turned 24, having been in the military for five years, he feels he is physically falling apart. In three years he'd like to buy a house and start a family.
2. Because of this, he wants kids before he's 30 so that he is able "to play hockey with his kids" and not kill himself doing so. In a nutshell, he wants to be a strong role model for his kids.
3. He doesn't see us going long term despite my support and many virtuous qualities (paraphrasing).
4. And finally, the true kick in the teeth, he never loved me.
   

All of his reasons are valid and justified. When I asked why he didn't think any of what he wanted would be possible with me, he simply said that he didn't know, only that he didn't see us having a future together.

So his perspective now painted for you, here are my thoughts on the white picket fence dream.

1. Marriage is a sham. A social construct with archaic traditions and beliefs. It is not necessary, not to mention the legalities involved. I would never change my last name for anyone.
2. If you absolutely must have a ceremony, no circuses.
3. Onto kids. This is where I get a little iffy. I had never wanted kids before Alan. He made me want to have a baby or two and that thought is terrifying because it wasn't just a fur baby he wanted, but an actual baby/babies. Full disclosure: we did have a pregnancy scare over the summer - it turned out to be nasty cramps, don't worry. During that time, he had assured me he would be there for me if it turned out I really was pregnant. I was of course relieved to not be, but I think he was a little more disappointed mixed with a little relief.
4. My own feelings about kids aside, I knew after our first few months back together and the magic of being together again wore off, I realized he never loved me. After Canada Day, I knew he began speaking to other women again. Prior to this, two friends of mine had found his Tinder profile. I was going to end things then, but didn't because I was deluded and thought we could still work out. He did later admit to having a Tinder which he used "for shits and gigs" - boy, if you think you're gonna find your baby mama on Tinder, you are more fucked than we both thought. 
5. Because of this, I also learned that we had two different ideas of the meaning of "cheat" (**see definition below).
6. While someday, I would love to settle down (I thought I was ready for that now, but apparently not). This relationship made me realize that I still have a lot I need to accomplish before I settle. I want to have a career and travel. Not that I can't do any of that WITH someone, the right someone, but with kids, that's obviously more of a challenge.

   

   And boy did I burn.

   
   

In my eyes, 24 is not that old. And I never imagined that a two-year age gap would create this much of a rift between us. Alas, he is an old soul, and while I value old-fashioned morals, my plans for the next couple years revolve around travel and a career if I'm lucky. While my actions reflect my age, my values reflect my soul, and I think that's important for me to realize. Of course he had many times where it was a little obvious he wished he could still be in college, especially when he'd go "crush beers with the boys" and we'd listen to songs from 2010.

While he is in his second career, I haven't even started mine. When he's ready to buy a house, I'll probably still be renting. I never wanted to admit it before, but we just are not at the same place in our lives where we can connect with each other on a deeper level. 

I know while we were together, I relied heavily on him to take care of me.  

When we got back together, I held fast to the woman I wanted to be, the woman I wanted to be and intended to become while we were apart. But that didn't happen, I got comfortable with falling back into a routine and I'd known from the start that if we were going to last, we needed to change. At first, we did, but you can't change who you fundamentally are.

I gave 110% of my heart and soul into this relationship, but ultimately, I believe that after the honeymoon phase is over, you have to make a conscious decision to love the person you're with everyday. I believe you choose to fall in love with someone, but lust is out of our control. You can be in lust for a month or a year, but once that passes, you need to choose to love someone. 

And that choice wasn't mine to make. I made my choice, he made his. He chose to not love me. And I have to accept that. He is the great man I know he is, and that might sound like I'm not over him, but I am. I just will never stop loving the man who, for over a year, filled my heart with so many memories and love. Despite all the pain, there was good, and there was a reason why I stayed. I accept him for the man he is, but I think most women's greatest flaw is falling in love with the potential of a man, rather than the man himself.

I did everything I could in this relationship, and I am at peace this time.

We have agreed to try and be friends. I know that losing him completely is not something I can do, as we tried and it didn't work. Even in the beginning, I'd always harboured a hope that if/when we broke up, we'd remain friends. As opposite as we are, we share a lot in common. With him still in my life, as a friend, I believe this will lead a healthier overall relationship with both him and myself. 

I know him as a boyfriend, and to be honest, he sucked at it. Maybe it was just because he didn't love me as said. In April to July, everything was perfect. We went out, we laughed, we loved. But relationships take work and he wasn't willing to put in the effort, and I wasn't willing to pick up the slack. He would go through the motions of being a "good" boyfriend, but nothing concrete came of it because his heart wasn't in it.

However, I've seen him as a friend, and I know he would go above and beyond for all of his friends. He's a better man when he's a friend. And I feel like knowing him as a friend is the best option for us. For me. I would rather have him as a friend rather than not at all, and when it comes to us seeing other people, I know it will hurt, I may get jealous, but I will know that I had him before she did, that I loved him more fiercely than she can imagine.

I do believe we got stuck in a rut. I do think there could have been some changes, but again, I did try, and my actions were a result of what I thought was the right thing at the time. We never talked. Not really. Not about real things or things that mattered.

As a person, my nature is to curl in a ball in the corner and not move and I would be satisfied with that. I don't tend to go out unless I have to and because of that, I rely on other people to get me motivated, when I need to rely on myself more. I need to trust that I can make myself okay for me and that I will make my life good for me. I thought he was the person to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, but I need to provide that motivation for myself.

I am insecure.

I crave the love and affection of others. I love being held at night and I love cuddling together on the couch just being. I love being teased and having my ass slapped (by my S.O. of course).

I know I can't be all of that, but, I can be most of that for me. And taking care of me isn't something I've done for over two years now. 

For the remainder of my education, I'm going to put my focus on myself and be selfish. I have spent the last three or four years giving everything I had to guys who didn't deserve it and that's my fault. This year and next, I will take care of myself. My birthday present to myself this year will also be a getaway to the mountains. I need to escape and get out of this town. I need to feel free again. Originally, I had wanted to go away with him, but obviously we won't be doing that. I do need to disconnect and recharge and find myself, love myself, and stay away from pelvic sorcery for the rest of my degree. And probably afterwards too.

I would love nothing more than to settle into a comfortable and loving relationship, but that's not in my cards, clearly. I feel emotionally and mentally drained, having been consumed by a loveless relationship. I didn't even realize that I was the only one holding up the heavy walls of our relationship. I still cry. I cried while recapping our relationship, I woke up at 7 AM feeling numb, I cried before and after breakfast and I haven't moved from this spot on the couch all day.

But I can't live the rest of my life looking back on past memories. I can't drive down the roads and listen to the radio and turn on Netflix and talk to people without instinctively thinking about us. But I can't move on when I'm still consumed by the past. Keeping busy is going to be best thing for me right now. I'm going to spend my time in the gym and with friends and hopefully at work. 

I am going to focus on creating new memories. I want to be able to go about my life without crying at the drop of a hat. I will never be able to listen to some songs without thinking about us and the laughter and goofiness we would have. Because that's the thing about songs. They create and hold within them memories. Memories which will be a part of my life forever. But in the grand scheme of things, and in my story, this chapter of my life is over.

I have learned, this time, that I am capable of a great love. As much as I would love to jump ten years into the future, just to see and know that my life really does turn out to be okay, I know that keeping hope and optimism in everything I do is vital.  The best I can do for me right now is turn all the love that I gave him over this crazy journey, and give it all back to myself. Because right now, no one deserves it more than I do.

I do.

Love and light,

A. Bean.
Tweet to @aly_bean
* Name has been changed, not that it matters because if you watch the video, I said it there - oops

**To cheat (according to A. Bean): to emotionally or physically be unfaithful to one's partner. (i.e. (a) flirting with others via social media and/or text message; this flirtation alludes to a potential "date" or meet up. (b) the exchanging of nudes by either party. (c) the traditional meaning of the word "cheat".)

PS- Thank you to R.H. Sin for providing me with words that encompass my feelings better than I ever could.

PPS- This is a vlog/video I filmed when I first began seeing him. I knew this was something I had to share the minute I saw how happy I was to have met him and be with him. This video represents my naive hopes and dreams of our future as well as an innocence I will never regain. 

On Closure: The Ex Who Shall Never Be Named

Hey guys!

So this is going to be a follow up post from my last Update post here. My goal is to make this post as full of positivity and a lot less "rant-y" than my previous post on the matter. Plus, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, I figured this post is both therapeutic and helpful, since it's that time of year again and, arguably, the worst time of the year (whether you're single or not, let's be honest *shameless plug* read my Valentine's day post from 2014 to see why!)

Okay, moving on to the point of the post. Like most women, I have surrounded myself with friends and alcohol in an effort to console myself in light of recent events. During this important time, I decided that a 30-day no contact period would be the best way to handle the situation. Until I realized I was using my no contact period as a crutch. I was counting down the days until I could let myself talk to him again.

People, particularly those who have been broken up with by their SO, are under the impression that closure is needed before one can move on. But when the possibility of closure is impossible, or non-attainable, I feel like people get wrapped up in the idea that they need answers to move on. This is false.

I probably, at this point, understand very well the burning need for answers and the curiosity that eats away you. Thinking again and again that if you could just meet up one more time, the stars will realign and everything will be fine again. Well, that's false and I am not saying that from experience. I am saying this coming from a place of rationality and understanding. Try to empathize with the person who shattered your heart, try to see what they saw was wrong with your relationship, but you'll never get answers that way.

Dwell and grieve for as long as you need to, but pick up your head after and realize that brighter days are ahead. Even if those brighter days revolve purely around your next glass or six of cheap wine. Because sometimes in life, it's the little things that count and I believe in keeping hope alive no matter what. Whether you're swamped with school, heartbroken, or in a rut, realize that things will get better.

It doesn't get easier. You'll always love them, every little inconsequential thing might remind you of them, and there will be days that you feel like you can't breathe unless you have them back in your life. When that happens, take a deep breath, have a drink or two, and move on. Acceptance is a key part of the grieving process and it's often the part that is the hardest to achieve. But it's possible. Keep your chin up, embrace a new hobby or rediscover an old, surround yourself with people who love you, and let go of the past. Treasure the memories, look back fondly on the good times, but don't try to recreate them. You can't.

There's a quote that floats around the Internet that I see sometimes:

And I don't think nothing could ever be more true. My ex truly was my first love, even if I wasn't his, but to the next man in my life, I hope you do better than your predecessor because he left you a wreck to deal with. As if I wasn't enough of a wreck as it is! (That was my sad attempt at humour *hint hint* *nudge nudge*)

I've also come to a very enlightening conclusion which was this: It is not my responsibility to be the first one to reach out to him. Having been the person to break up with someone else on many occasions, I have always known that being the one to do the breaking up holds a certain amount of power. And with great power comes great responsibility. So, if your ex broke up with you and wanted to get back in touch, as the person responsible for the break up, it is on them to try to reach out first. They left a gem behind and when they realize your worth, you'll have already moved on.

Bottom line? Be kind. 

If they reach out and you're confident in your own feelings, reach back (in a friendly manner) and if you're not ready for that step, tell them that you're not ready to get back in touch, and when/if you ever are, you'll reach again and this time, the ball is in your court.I believe that if you emit positive energy, karma will be there for you. So simply be kind to one another. (Unless your ex is a crazy criminal, in which kindly but urgently call the cops, a lawyer, and get a restraining order).

I am making this promise to myself today: This is the last post I will make about my most recent fail of a relationship.

And in spirit of that promise, I will be posting a makeup review type thing next week! I'm going to try and make Wednesdays my blogging days.

I hope this post helped you and that my advice made some sense? If you guys have any suggestions or ways you get over a semi-serious/serious relationship, please leave it in the comments below or tweet me @aly_bean

Thank you so much for reading!

Love and Light,
A. Bean

Shameless Self Promotion!
IG: @aly.bean
Snapchat: alybean5

"Wow, You're So Exotic"

Hey guys!

So, I realize it's a bit ironic for me to do a rant-type post after just going on about self-improvement, but, like I said in my last post, old habits tend to die hard, and I am a very stubborn individual. Also old, so you know, old dogs and new tricks don't go together. But, I have justified this post in convincing myself it is for the greater good. Also, it just really, desperately needs to be addressed. I was going to do a video on this topic simply because my mouth moves faster than my fingers, as do my thoughts, but my background is kind of shady, and the whole video would be an hour long rant. This has the semblance of more structure, I think.

For those who don't know, I am biracial. My mom is Vietnamese, and my dad is Canadian (read: a whole mishmash of cultures where there is some percentage of Scandinavian and some percentage of Aboriginal and some percentage of Ukrainian. I think.) I only offer this information because it is pertinent to the discussion and gives me some amount of authority on the topic. Otherwise, my race shouldn't - and doesn't - really matter.

Since reaching adulthood and branching off into a world outside of my parents' circle of influence, I have been confronted more now than ever about my race. From questions like "What are you?" and "Where are you from?" they get more and more intrusive depending on the person asking them.
These are all usually asked before my name is even known or is usually the next question after "What's your name?" To go up to a person who looks, and I'm purposely being generic here, white, and ask them where they are from is laughable and ridiculous. Well, the same thing when I'm asked where I'm from. I am from Canada, I was born here. I have never permanently moved anywhere else - I had a two year stint in Ontario, if you recall from my earlier posts. I am a human being, that is what I am. More specifically, then, if that doesn't satisfy the question, I am a biologically female human being. Not a martian, surprise! I am exactly what you are, so when I am asked, "What are you" you can only imagine my shock, amusement, and annoyance. The other person's reaction is even more laughable when I answer that I am human and that I am Canadian.

People say"what are you" or "where are you from" as a means to be more politically correct, but what they don't realize is that to even ask the question damns them. I won't fault their curiosity, but at the same time, why does it matter what my race is? I am fully aware that I maybe don't look like a "typical" white girl (again I am being very general and loose with that term). I am also very self conscious of that fact and when it is pointed out to me, I feel even more awkward. Which I shouldn't. I am very proud of who I am and where my parents are from and I love my culture. Both of them.

Being mixed race is hard enough as it is - you feel like you don't belong anywhere - without having people interrogate you about it.

That lengthy backstory brings me to what I really wanted to discuss which is the use of the word "exotic" when referring to someone "not from here". For the purpose of this post, we will use "not from here" to refer to people who are not physically different (either in skin tone, hair texture, eye shape, etc.).
The other night while I was at work, near the end of my shift, a single middle aged gentleman(ish) walked in - he's clearly "from here" - and as I approached him, he asked about my hair texture (naturally curly) to which he seemed to enjoy - apparently he has a "thing" for curly haired gals (ew...) - and then asked about my race - again using the standard "where are you from" line - to which I replied as nicely as possible - because despite hating my job I still need my job - that my mother is from Vietnam and my dad is from here with some sort of Scandinavian background - hence my accursed curls. He widened his eyes in delight, ooohed and ahhhed over my race and proclaimed me "exotic".

PS - Dude, if you're reading this by some gross chance and sick twist of fate, I might work in a restaurant, but I still have a small miniscule shred of dignity left that I guard like a starving, rabid dog over a masticated bone. In other words, I don't want/need a sugar daddy. Yet. And when/if I do need one, I certainly won't be asking you to step up.

Upon being called exotic, I nearly threw up in my mouth. But, because I am great at my job, forced a tight lipped smile and proceeded to avoid eye contact and approaching his vicinity for the duration of my shift. I am not "exotic". I am not some imported rarity. I am a person, not a thing, and I think that is my biggest issue when I am faced with this question of race. I feel like a thing. An exotic thing that is there only to be admired and ooohed and ahhed over.
The problem with this is that I am reduced to being a thoughtless inanimate object. Which sort of sets back decades of feminist movements and advances. Hey, Emma Watson, speak up for the "exotic" people, too, okay?

When someone is reduced to being just "exotic" my ideas, dreams, pursuits, goals, and thoughts are irrelevant. Because I am exotic. I am like a Siberian Tiger placed in a zoo. Just there to be looked at and cared for and never free. I deserve to be more than caged. I deserve to be more than "exotic". Or a car. Cars are also described as exotic. I am, sadly, not a transformer.

This is a problem not just with strangers, but also in my sad pursuit of love. Boys only want me because I am exotic, men only want to creep on me, and I am left stranded in the middle, wanting neither. I deserve respect.

Not really, but you get the idea....

And that is something I thought was my right as a human being. But I guess in the eyes of mainstream "from here" society, all I will ever be is "exotic".

Love and Light,

A. Bean

PS - Leave your thoughts, comments, and experiences below! Am I alone in feeling this way? Have you ever been called exotic or has your race ever been questioned?

A Poor Start: First Post of 2016

Hey, guys!

        If you couldn't guess by the title of this post, it won't be as lighthearted and cheerful as my other ones. Following the New Year, my boyfriend and I parted ways. Having read my last "Life Update" post, I feel foolish now, but I won't delete it. Those memories will be memories that I will hold dear to my heart for a long time despite parting on less than amicable ways with my ex. I won't go into details, just know that it didn't end as well as I thought it would if we ever were to breakup. Also I always thought we would breakup face-to-face, but thankfully, Facebook is available to the cowards of the world (#stillnotbitteroranything).

Preach, girl, preach!

        Life, however, does have a funny way of introducing other things to occupy your mind. The passing of David Bowie and Alan Rickman in addition to some school drama all served one purpose: distraction. Not to say that I didn't grieve the loss of my supposedly perfectly imperfect relationship. I definitely did. For four days I wailed - not even cried, wailed - my heart out, my parents can attest to this, I'm pretty sure I scared them a little. And in the days following my initial grief, I'm still overcome by sadness, but I'm moving along.

Well, Carrie, it gets sucked up into a black hole called grief, and then
if you're lucky, it fades from an all consuming fire into a
small little ember. In other words, it never goes away completely.

I've gotten really into the whole "self-improvement" kick. It's a slow process, but at least I'm not as depressed. This week I've really made an effort to wear makeup again. I didn't wear a speck of it for a week, and I caught my reflection in the mirror while on a pity shopping spree with my friend at
Sephora. I'm glad I caught that reflection of myself - though I wasn't at the time. With my messy bun, bare face, and decidedly perma-sad expression, it really kicked me back into gear. I cry less and less everyday, and I've reconnected with my friends, whom I shamefully neglected during my relationship.
       It really taught me that no matter how perfect something or someone may seem, no amount of love or attention you give them will ever be enough if they don't love themselves.       Or if they loved themselves too much.

Amen, Elle.

       So to that conclusion, then, I've decided to take a step back, reevaluate, finish school, and focus on bettering myself. Admittedly, I did jump into my last relationship fast, and didn't really make myself or him wait or work for anything. Mainly because I was on an "I'm an empowered, modern 21st century woman, dammit, I can sleep with whoever" power trip. Which ended up being my biggest failure in the relationship and doesn't really set the right tone for the rest of our time together. Give me a tall, dark haired, tattooed, broad shouldered guy, and I'm pretty much weak at the knees and reduced to a giggling school girl.
      So, maybe 2016 didn't really start out the way I wanted it to, and maybe I no longer have a date to go see Deadpool, or Batman vs. Superman, or Aquaman, or anyone, really, to occupy my time with and spend the cold winter nights with, but I have me, and for the last 21 years, that has always been enough.

I am enough.

Love and Light,

A. Bean

PS - You're all enough.
PPS - Shoutout to my friends and family who dealt with my broken hearted sad self for the past two weeks and counting. You're the real MVP.

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION!
Instagram!
Snapchat! @alybean5

Doing vs. Thinking: How to Achieve your Goals in 2014

Let's face it. 2014 is a month over and that resolution you made fell apart within the first 48 hrs. However, this year, I plan to do things differently. And unlike most resolutioners, I never make resolutions and as a result, never say this year will be different. But it will be. I can feel it.
To help out with staying on track with accomplishing your goals, I'll share with you some tips and tricks that, if you put the effort in, will work for anything.

First off, make tiny goals to accomplish your big goal. These tiny goals will provide that boost of, "yay, I'm doing so well," feeling we get when we accomplish something.

• For example: One of my big goals is to get toned. The mini goals go as follows:

1. Detox/Cleanse - cutting out chocolate, candy, chips, pop, fast food, alcohol, and eating things late at night. Originally this was going to be a 21 Day Challenge I was doing for myself, but as the weeks go on, I'm liking this cleanse more and more, so I made it an all the time thing and allow myself one cheat day a week.
2. Gym Rat - ever since telling my friend about my goal to get healthy and about my cleanse, it motivated her to also get healthy. She's cut out dairy products from her diet and is now my gym date every other day. Without her, I wouldn't have stepped foot in the gym. We're going to be signing up for an aerobic boxing class and yoga for me, in addition to our 15 increment workouts every other day.
3. Abs - To go along with my Gym Rat goal, I found this great ab workout on YouTube which I will have linked down below. I do three reps every other night and wake up with a lovely ab burn the next morning. I really do love that kind of burn. It makes me feel like progress is being made, even if I can't see it.

Secondly, the biggest thing is mindset. You can set all the goals and mini goals you want, but unless you're in the proper mindset, you won't accomplish anything. You have to motivate yourself. Unfortunately, that's not something anyone else can tell you how to do or should continue to do. You have to do it for yourself.

Whenever you think of quitting, remember the reasons why you made the goal to begin with. It's important to keep thinking of the time before you decided to make the goal and the reasons why you made it. 

Whatever you do, keep your motivation high and your mindset positive. The end result will be worth every second you thought about skipping a workout, or bingeing on chocolates, or sinking into that place you were in before. 

To help with the positive mindset idea, I write down three things I'm grateful for at the end of every day. It helps end the day on a good note as opposed to dwelling on everything that made me upset that day. For example, 

1. It was warm and sunny today, and for the first time in weeks, I was not shivering like a leaf in the fall while waiting outside.
2. I have pizza for supper today, and I'm super excited. Delissioso Veggie Delite whoop whoop!
3. I'm grateful today is Friday, and also my cheat day so I can drink my last beer with no guilt!

There are two mottos I live by, one of them is, "Everything in Moderation," and the other is, "Everything will work out in the end, and if it hasn't, then it's not the end." 

Those two sayings have gotten me through a lot, in addition to the quote I will be getting a tattoo of which will, "Dum Spiro Spero" ("While I breathe, I hope").

A tattoo has been on my to do list for a really long time (almost 7 years!) it just took me a while to decide on something I was ready to commit to, but recent events really pushed me to get the ball rolling on my tattoo accumulating, and so I'm beyond excited to say it's finally happening! When I go home for spring break, I'll be getting it done then, and I know once I get the first one over with, the other ones I want will be easy to handle. I hope. 

I think when it comes to things like tattoos or even getting in shape, it really takes something big to happen to you to really motivate you. In one of Sophie Kinsella's books, Wedding Night, the protagonist would always do these crazy things after a breakup. She joined a cult, got a tattoo, got engaged to another man right after her last relationship ended. Her sister called them Unfortunate Choices. But when you think about it, we all need to make an Unfortunate Choice every now and again to push us in the direction we need to go. So no matter what hand you're dealt or how you deal with it, know that life may not operate like a Katherine Heigl movie or a Sophie Kinsella book, but everything will find a way to work itself out. You just need to ride the waves when you can, and take shelter when the storm gets too rough, but no matter what, keep your head above that water because better days are ahead.

Good Luck!

XOXO,

A. Bean

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The A.B. Awards of Beauty 2013

Hello, everybody!

With all the awards shows going on and the New Year just settling in, I thought I would do my own awards show featuring my own Best of Beauty 2013! I've put a lot of thought into these awards and hope you all find at least a few of my recommendations helpful. Good luck, and I hope you enjoy!

Without further ado, here is my pick for Best Foundation of 2013:

I've talked about this foundation before, but I absolutely love it! It's the Revlon Photoready Foundation. It really does make your skin look absolutely flawless in photographs, and while it does feel quite heavy, if you have a tendency to some bad redness around your T-zone area, this foundation completely covers it up. I rarely need to use concealer to hide blemishes except for under eye circles and the occasional stubborn pimple. If you're looking for a cheaper altenative to a MAC foundation, this would be it.

Next, in keeping with the face products theme, my award for Best Primer of 2013 would have to go to the Bareminerals Prime Time Primer. It's a silicone-esque primer that creates the perfect smooth base for any foundation. I don't find it to be overly moisturizing, but I can guarantee you, you're face ain't goin' nowhere with this primer! Bonus: it's not too pricey at Sephora either! Another nominee I have for a primer because I recently purchased, and fell in love, with the Too Faced Primed and Poreless Primer. I recently purchased this over the holidays, but so far I love it. If silicone type primers aren't your thing, I highly recommend this one by Too Faced which is more like a thick cream as opposed to a clear gel type formula.

No matter how good a foundation is, I would be lost without this next product. It's concealer. My award for the Best Concealer of 2013 goes to the...Maybelline Dream Lumi Touch Concealer. I've repurchased this product twice now, and haven't seen the need to look elsewhere for concealer. It highlights and conceals which is a major plus in my books. It doesn't crease for me, and the formula is quite thick and creamy so with a few dabs of your ring finger to blend, it hides anything you want it to/ I do hope to try a wider range of product brands in 2014, but until then, Maybelline walks away with that award.

With all the stuff we pack onto our faces, we always need a decent powder to make sure none of our face rubs off. My choice for Best Setting Powder of 2013 goes to the...Revlon Photoready Translucent Finisher Powder. Like the name suggests, it's a translucent powder and doesn't make my face look cakey at all. My face is fairly dry and tends to flake around the forehead, but this powder definitely finishes off my face makeup beautifully. With a little bit of moisturizer, nothing flakes and everything looks flawless.

This next award goes to all the times when we have looked deathly pale and ill. For all the times when we looked like something out of The Walking Dead. Yep. It's blush. I used to think blush was so dumb. Why take away the redness with foundation and concealer, only to put redness back in? But there have been times where I question how I could have gone so long hating on the blush. My award for the Best Blush of 2013 goes to the...Tarte Amazonian Clay 12 Hour Blush in Glisten. I'm slowly expanding my use of Tarte products because they are cruelty free and the colour pigmentation and lasting power in their blush is stunning! My next trial for a blush is NARS, but until then, I'll rave about Tarte and how good it makes me feel knowing I'm using a product that didn't hurt any bunnies.

And, because you all know I'm a drugstore beauty lover diehard, I also would like to give the Best Blush of 2013 Nomination to the...Covergirl TruBlend Mineral Sands Blush in the shade 430 Shimmering Sands. This is a blush I've had, and loved, for almost five or six years now, and I have only just noticed a dent in the product. It's a gorgeous highlighting, shimmering blush. It looks amazing in the summertime.

Of course, with a drugstore nominee, I also have a high end nominee. The Benefit Blush in Rockateur. It was hard to choose only one Benefit blush to nominate since I love the shades Coralista and Dandelion, but having never tried either, I thought it wouldn't be a fair nomination. Rockateur is the perfect natural blush and reminds be a lot of a rosier Shimmering Sands Mineral Blush by Covergirl which is more of a peachy pink with gold flecks.

Alright, I don't know what I would do without this next product. I went my entire high school career without it, and most of my first year without it. It's bronzer. Present day me cries without this product. I have two, but since most drugstore bronzer have shimmer and thus suck to contour wiht my award for Best Bronzer of 2013 goes to Tarte's Amazonian Clay Bronzer in the shade Park Avenue Princess. I adore this product! I recently purchased it over the holidays, but it's fast becoming my go-to bronzer for contouring. Because most drugstore bronzer tend to be shimmery and sparkly, they aren't that great to contour with. This one is definitely worth every penny (listed for 29$ at Sephora, but in Canada, I believe it's around 32$). It's matte and highly pigmented. A couple dabs with my contour brush into the powder and it's all I need to contour my cheek.

Now that we're done with the face products, let's move on to the eyes...

First off, no eye look is complete without brows. Eye brows frame the face and have the ability to completely change your look, so don't forget them! Tweeze them, dye them, fill them! This award goes to the Best Brow Tool of 2013 goes to...Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Powder Duo in Deep Neutral Brown. This brand has been raved up one side of the beauty world and down the other for it's amazing brow products and with good reason. The Anastasia Brow Powder Duo gives the brows a defined and natural look. Build up the powder a little bit, and you can easily get the bold brows of Lily Collins or Cara Delevigne. 

Before we dress up our eyes with the Best Eyeshadow of 2013, we need to prime those lids, girl! With so many brands, it's always hard to choose the best option. Don't worry, the Chronicler is here to announce the Best Eye Primer of  2013 and the award goes to a product which has been tried and true by many...Urban Decay's Primer Potion Tube in Original. By far the most popular eye shadow primer on the market, this product is definitely worth the high end price tag at Sephora. The packaging is pretty magical looking too, and we all know packaging is what definitely gets the beauty junkies out there. This primer makes sure to keep those eyes looking fierce and fresh all night with no creasing or smudging. Another bonus? A little goes a long way! 

This next category has the power to dress up the windows to our souls so to speak. What's a door without a threshold after all? I have two picks for Best Eyeshadow of 2013. One is a drugstore product, the next is a high end product. The award for Best Drugstore Eyeshadow of 2013 goes to...the Maybelline Eye Studio Color Tattoo 24HR Cream Gel Shadow in Bad to the Bronze. The product name is a mouthful, but this is honestly the best drugstore cream shadow I've ever purchased. For all of 2013 up until I purchased my first palette, this cream shadow was all I used on my lids. It creates an effortless and quick smokey eye effect when it's blended into the lids. If you guys are stumped by all the different colours this cream shadow comes in, I recommend Bad to the Bronze. When you're in a hurry, or doing a 5 minute makeup challenge, a swipe of this product on your lids followed by some eye liner and mascara, and you're set!

Moving onto the high end eye shadow, this is a shadow that I love, clearly since it's in my awards! The award for Best High End Eye Shadow of 2013 goes to...the Stila Eye Shadow in the shade Kitten. This shadow is highly pigmented and so versatile. It compliments any eye colour beautiful and is very easy to blend to create the perfect look.

Moving onto the Best Palette of 2013, it's clear which one earns this award. The Urban Decay Naked Basics Palette. It's a perfect little compact palette that has the perfect neutral shades to create the best natural looking eye. For half the price of one of their full Naked palettes, this little guy is the greatest travel companion I've ever had.

Taylor Momsen, aka Jenny Humphrey from CW's
Gossip Gir, also lead singer of the rock band, The Pretty
Reckless

Another eye product I absolutely cannot live without is my eye liner! I wasn't sure if it ought to be a pencil or liquid liner, and honestly, I'm torn between the two, so for this category, there will be both a pencil and liquid liner winner. Without further ado, the award for Best Eye Liner of 2013 goes to the....Maybelline Masterprecise by Eyestudio Liquid Eyeliner and Urban Decay's 24/7 Glide-On Pencil. With a pencil liner, it's difficult to find one that stays put in your waterline - the last thing any girl wants is to have her eyeliner smudge. Urban Decay has clearly got their act together when it comes to eye products. This pencil eyeliner doesn't tug, so it's super smooth and easy to apply. I hate tight-lining my eyes and this pencil doesn't make it any less uncomfortable, but it gets it all over with fast. I've used the Maybelline Materprecise eyeliner for about two years now and have never had a problem with it. The felt tip makes winging out your eyes super easy and is perfect for anyone with a shaky hand and not comfortable with using the more paint brush-esque type of liquid liners. Just a word of caution though, do not cry with this on your eyes. The racoon eyes look only works for Taylor Momsen, ladies, trust me.

Lastly for the eye category, my all-time holy grail makeup product, mascara. This product is my favorite type of product to try out from the drugstore. I feel like I can just as much amazing results from my lashes with a drugstore product as with any high end product. Plus, it's easier on the wallet. Drugstore beauty girl at heart, all the way. That all being said it was super hard to choose just one favorite from the drugstore, so I have two! One I've used for the entirety of 2013 and one I purchased later in the year, but it definitely deserves an award for being so amazing! The award for Best Mascara of 2013 goes to the...Maybelline Mega Plush Mascara (my old love) and... the L'Oreal Million Lashes Excess Mascara (my new love). The Maybelline mascaras are hailed in the beauty world as some of the best line of drugstore mascaras for a reason. Having heard great things about their Rocket mascara, I decided against buying it because I was so in love with the Mega Plush one. I've used this one all year in 2013 and it never let me down. The formula is lightweight and doesn't clump too much on the lashes while giving them mad volume. It really does  make them look...plushier. On the packaging, it says it's the first gel mascara, and maybe it's because of that that this mascara is so amazing, but I will definitely be repurchasing this one. When I bought the L'Oreal mascara, which is a brand I consider more on the "high end drugstore" spectrum in terms of prices, I was excited to try it. Since I bought this mascara on sale for 6.99$CDN (originally 13.99$ I believe) it only made me more anxious to try it. I wasn't disappointed. The mascara lengthens, thickens, and accentuates the lashes so beautifully. With a couple swipes of this on my lashes, I'm completely comfortable with skipping eyeliner. That's a huge thing for me since I love me some eyeliner! If you guys decide to try this one out, try any of their Million Lashes mascara that's got a special sale on it, otherwise it gets quite pricey if you're buying 14$ mascara all the time. 

And finally, we move onto the Lips Category where we have three subcategories. Best Lip Balm, Best Lip Gloss, and Best Lip Stick. I don't use lip liners enough to give you guys an accurate award/review, so we'll be excluding them from the program. 

(Sorry, don't beat me with purses!)

First off, we can't have a flawless lip look without a good lip balm, and this product has been mentioned very frequently in all the beauty videos I've watched. Some think this product is highly overrated, others adore. Let me tell you why I've chose to award the Best Lip Balm of 2013 to the Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue in Too Cool. Unlike the original line of Baby Lips, the Dr. Rescue line really does what it's supposed to without leaving the waxy feeling I often feel after I've used my Baby Lips lip balm in Peppermint. The Dr. Rescue formula is hydrating, gets rid of those cracks in your lips so long as the product is on there (long term cracklessness is unknown), and it also has some mad staying power. For me, I can go up to four hours without feeling the need to reapply. Obviously reapply after eating though. I usually end up absently swiping this over my lips when I'm bored in class, but I've gone four-ish hours without it before and once I'm done trekking through the snow back to my apartment, I'll reapply then. All in all? Invest in this bad boy. It really does save your lips. Especially in these harsh Canadian winters.

The next category, the Best Lip Gloss of 2013 is a product I have been using since 2012 and have gotten endless compliments on it from both guys and girls. This product is perfect for a natural look and helps accentuate your lip's natural colour. I find the problem with most glosses is they are either too sticky or don't last very long at all. This one is smooth, glossy but not tacky, and lasts FOR-EVER. The award for Best Lip Gloss of 2013 goes to the MAC Lip Glass Lip Gloss in the shade Nymphette. It's a pretty pink colour with gold flecks. I pair this with my Revlon Nude Attitude Lipstick for the perfect nude lip. On it's own, this colour makes your lips look amazing and goes with any look you choose. Sidenote- apparently it tastes good, so next time you and your man go for a smooch, have this bad boy on. You're welcome for the tip, ladies.

And lastly in the Lip category is, of course, Lip Stick. This category was deficit for me to choose a winner, but at the end, it was pretty clear which product was my favorite and I have Meghan Rosette on YouTube to thank for the discovery. The award for Best Lipstick of 2013 goes to the Hourglass Liquid Lipstick in Icon. Deep reds were especially popular this fall/winter season and no colour embraced that more for me than this lipstick. MAC's Diva was also especially popular, but I failed to dish out the cash for that particular product (Random Beauty Goal #1 for 2014: own a MAC Lipstick. Any suggestions?). The Hourglass Liquid Lipstick in Icon is a deep red shade with blue undertones that compliments anyone, particularly those with paler skin, since Meghan Rosette is quite pale herself...(sorry girl, no hate,just love!). For me, I find it hard to find a red that doesn't look like a cherry red on my lips, it's not flattering on me, trust me. So, I found myself layering this product over my Revlon Lipstick in Black Cherry (the dupe for MAC's Diva) to create the perfect dark red lip. 

Onto Miscellaneous products, which will be the final category for the A.B. Awards this year. This category is dedicated to all the bits and pieces and odd ends that make beauty so fun and so time consuming! Picking out the perfect blush/bronzer/highlighter combo is one thing, application and the surface area are quite another. 

The first product in my Miscellaneous category is dedicated to the Best Face Cleanser of 2013. This product I've repurchased ever since I was an oil skinned, clueless preteen. Thank god my mother cared about beauty more than me at the time, but it's because of her that I am proud to present my award for Best Face Cleanser of 2013 to the...Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser. Nothing high end or fancy, just a basic make up removing face cleanser. This product has a mild scent and very gentle on the skin once applied. It's suitable for anyone from dry skin to oily skin to sensitive skin to normal skin. It's soap-free, alcohol-free, non-comedogenic and hypoallergenic. Seriously, what's not to love? For those of you who are looking for a good drugstore face cleanser, Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser all the way.

Next up is my award for the Best Moisturizer of 2013. This moisturizer made such a big difference for my skin when it was all dry and flaky from the crisp winter air over Christmas Break. I applied this every night for a week and my face felt as smooth and soft as a baby bum. The award for Best Moisturizer of 2013 goes to...Sephora Collection Instant Moisture Cream. My spiel before said it all, but guys, if you're experience any kind of dry, flakiness on your face, invest in this stuff. It's a miracle in a jar I promise! 

Finally, the last of the skin are stuff, I has an award for the Best Makeup Remover Wipes of 2013. Now this category may seem silly for a lot of you. Why spend upwards of 7$ on a package of makeup remover wipes when baby wipes do just the same thing and are a lot cheaper? Well, I'll tell you why. I went the baby wipe route, and it took off my makeup fine, but after a long day or night or whichever, the last thing I feel like doing is using my Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser (see what I did there?) and going through all the steps necessary to make sure I have a fresh face the next morning. Makeup remover wipes, especially the ones I'm about to award, are completely worth the investment. They take off all your make up and cleanse your skin of any nasty dirt that might be clogging your pores. If you have a pimple or sudden break out, within a matter of days of using these wipes, they'll be gone. At least in my experience. Where you have to use a good amount of baby wipes to clean off all that stubborn eye makeup, you only need one wipe to clear off all your makeup. So, without further ado, the award for Best Makeup Remover Wipes of 2013 goes to...Clean & Clear Makeup Remover Wipes. I've unfailingly repurchased these over the past couple years and each time they haven't failed. 

Moving right along to applicators, I have one category because I could only think of one outstanding product I own and use daily that would fit. Ladies and Gentleman, the award for Best All Around  Face Makeup Applicator of 2013 goes to...the Beautyblender. This cute little sponge packs a lot of umph and makes any foundation absolutely flawless and gives a nice airbrushed finished. This versatile tool can also be use to blend in concealers, liquid highlighters, and blushes. It's the perfect tool for anyone who uses makeup. 

The final subcategory for my Miscellaneous Beauty Products is Bath Products. 

If my recent obsession with LUSH is any indication of how this category will proceed, I'm sure you can all guess it's basically a home run for this natural, handmade cosmetics company. 

My first category is an All Around Favorites category. This category is dedicated to the LUSH Bath Bombs which I absolutely adore. Since I binged hardcore on their Christmas selection as well as their year round selection, I have to say the award goes to, without a doubt in my mind, the LUSH So White Bath Bomb. Unfortunately, and much to my dismay, this product is only available for the holiday season. Nonetheless, I will love it until next Christmas and many Christmases after (if only I had a man to say that about...). It's a white (as the name suggests) bath bomb that smells like apples and once it's dropped into the bath, explodes in a burst of gorgeous pink that makes you feel like you really are looking at the world through rose coloured glasses. Hands down, I probably bought about six of these babies over the holidays, and I have no shame in admitting it! They are delightful gems. 

LUSH So White Bath Bomb (Limited Edition)

Next, in the same All Around Favorites category, my favorite LUSH Bubble Bar would have to be the Christmas Eve Bubble Bar. It has a deep cobalt blue colour with a slice of yellow on the edge to represent the moon and the scent is beyond amazing. It's both calming and festive with hints of Jasmine and magic all crafted into one circular mild of perfection. Again, though I think it's pretty obvious from the name, this bubble bar is only available during the holidays.

LUSH Christmas Eve Bubble Bar (Limited Edition)

One last favorite for this category and then we conclude the A.B. Awards for this year! The last favorite is one that LUSH has sadly said goodbye to (though maybe with some post popularity and persuasive pleading LUSH will bring this treasure back in their Retro collection?). It is the Coco Lotion. I discovered this product too little too late and was only able to swipe one jar of it before they were all sold out. This product is unlike any lotion I've ever slathered on. Because most lotions tend to be sticky, I hate putting on pants of any kind on until after the lotion has dried, which isn't really convenient if I happen to be rushing. My skin, especially on my legs, is crazy dry because I hate the sticky feeling that accompanies all lotions. Not the Coco Lotion. It not only lacks the sticky feeling, it also has no scent and has such a light, almost whipped cream like feel to it. Due to the coconut, it's also super moisturizing which is a godsend for sandpaper/cactus-like legs like mine! (TMI? Maybe...) Why they discontinued this amazing product, I have no idea, but once I run out, I am looking into their Charity Pot Lotion to see if it would be an acceptable dupe for my beloved Coco Lotion. More info on that to follow!

LUSH Coco Lotion (Discontinued *cries*)

And there you have it, people! A year of beauty products thought through, researched, and reviewed! I hope you all enjoyed my recommendations and favourites for 2013, and I look forward to another amazing year in not only beauty, but in life as well!

Let me know what your favorites were for 2013 and I'll be sure to check out your suggestions for 2014.

See you next year for the A. B. Awards!
Xoxo,

A. Bean



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